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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: Parent (11/16/06)

TITLE: Mount St. Helen
By Maxx .
11/22/06


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I bounced Helen on my lap, clean from her bath and looking très chic in nothing but her Disney print, super leak-lock triple elastic fit diapers. Daddy’s princess. Six months old and already ruling the roost. I lifted her to cuddle and kiss but reflexively stopped in mid motion.

My baby’s smile had vanished. Her face turned red, eyes narrowing as a crease wrinkled her forehead. She kicked once. Then, with a low rumble, the diaper inflated like a hot air balloon.

I held her out at arms length, my nose curdling in fear. “Oh… no… you didn’t.”

Helen cooed.

Spinning her about, I grasped the firm-fit waistband with the tips of trembling fingers. I inched it away from her skin, needing but not wanting to see the damage.

A puff of dried powder escaped, fleeing from the noxious emanation that followed. I cringed and peeked inside. Apart from a foul aroma, the derriere was pretty, pink, and clean.

“Calm before the storm?”

I turned her back toward me and she reached to pull my lip.

“Um, got something brewing in there?”

Helen laughed, but it was mocking, jeering ... the sound of an evil destiny unfolding in a nightmare.

Her face began to redden, bulbous cheeks like apples ripening before me.

An eruption seemed imminent.

My gaze darted about the room. “Look!” I pointed to the floor. “There’s Bunny Floppy Ears!” I stood and stepped toward the toy animal, hoping to interrupt her growing concentration.

Her leg kicked.

“No, no! Take the bunny!” I shoved the stuffed animal into flailing arms. Her eyes rounded and she twisted her fingers into long warn ears. “That’s a good girl!”

My heart pounded as adrenalin flowed through my system. In the presence of mortal danger we fight or flee. Well, I’d fought and won. The corners of my mouth lifted as cooling sweat peppered my brow. “Don’t mess with Daddy. I got it all over you, little girl.”

But I knew Bunny Floppy Ears would only be a five minute diversion. I needed more time. “How ‘bout a bottle? Want something to drink?”

Helen beamed.

I carried her into the kitchen and sat her on the counter. Along the splashboard, the formation of empty baby food jars taunted. The prior night’s dinner: strained ham, pureed beets, and oatmeal. The morning’s breakfast: Vienna sausage, liquefied spinach … and prunes; the six ounce mega-serving.

My knees went weak as I contemplated the impact such ingredients would have on a clean, powdered diaper once Vesuvius decided to blow. I couldn’t allow that to happen … at least not yet.

I filled a Playtex bottle with apple juice and held it to her lips.

She pushed away, dropping the rabbit and beginning to cry. Her body squirmed.

“No, no!” I lifted her once again and tossed her playfully. “Hang with me, baby!” I placed my hand over the still pure swaddle and squeezed. “We don’t want any action down there. Look at Daddy! Look at Daddy!”

I stumbled with her from the kitchen and rushed to the nursery. Frantic, I twisted the handle on the baby swing. “You like to swing, don’t you? Swing?”

She only scowled and kicked, little tears streaking crimson cheeks. Her expression was fixed. Her intensity resolute.

Indomitable.

I gasped and laid her on the carpet. Desperate, I tickled her feet.

No response … her bowels rumbled.

I leaned over her and blew onto her belly, making certain my mustache brushed against delicate skin.

She wrapped little fingers in my hair and pulled.

“Hey!” I stared down at my angel, now clenched and unwavering, dogged and single-minded.

Nothing I could do. I was trapped.

I leaned against the wall, head in my hands and waited for my inevitable destiny.

Mount St. Helen was ready with her vile magma.

Then, a jangling in the living room, the crackle of weather-stripping, the creak of hinges.

I sat up, listening.

A footfall.

Grasping Helen, I stood and sprinted through the door. “And here’s the airplane flying all the way to airport Mommy!” I forced a grin and landed the grunting baby into the landing strip of extended arms.

I kissed my bride. “Everything went great.” I grabbed my keys. “Forgot I needed to get something at the hardware store.” I glanced at my daughter as she began to bear down. “Be back in a few minutes.” I closed the door behind me and hurried to the car.


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This article has been read 1131 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Lynda Schultz 11/23/06
As one who has resolutely refused to "do diapers" all my life, I can only imagine! This was so well described I could feel the anxiety. Great job!
Sally Hanan11/23/06
Too funny! You and my husband are one in regular dread of the magma force.
Amy Michelle Wiley 11/23/06
I can see the real Mt. St. Helens from my bedroom window, so the title caught my eye. Too funny! LOL!
Shanti Singh11/24/06
Ohhh, so this is why the baby always waits till mommy is home! Thanks for giving us moms the inside scoop on this diabolical behavior of fathers!
Debbie OConnor11/26/06
Very cute!
Joanne Sher 11/27/06
What a HOOT! I absolutely adored this in every way. Such the perfect title and so well written. I REALLY wanna know the gender of the writer of this! This baby (pun INTENDED) is going in my favorites!
Debbie Sickler11/27/06
LOVED IT!!! Wonder if this is what my hubby goes through when I'm out...? hehe

Thanks for a great read!
Jan Ross11/27/06
Hillarious! My imagination was going wild thinking back with our babies and my husband's reaction to spewing from either end! LOL You captured every emotion possible with a perfect ending. This is a keeper -- one to share with new fathers or fathers-to-be. Awesome! :)
william price11/27/06
Oh yes, I know this story well, ofcoarse I couldn't have told near as well.
Very nice humor delivered expertly with great timing. God bless.
Jesus Puppy 11/28/06
Awwww The perfect dad... knows just when to hand over the kid.. Way to go.
Venice Kichura11/28/06
What a delightful read from a great dad (even though he doesn't do diapers.)

Masterfully done!
Jan Ackerson 11/28/06
Perfect! (and perfectly despicable)
Donna Haug11/29/06
ROFL - you must be related to my husband somehow!! You're level 4, so even though you had me rolling in histerics, I caught a couple little tiny things. Firstly, I've never heard of a nose curdling ... although it would seem appropriate and maybe you intended to invent a new use of the word! Also 'warn' should be 'worn' when talking of the bunny ears. That's too funny. I need to show this to someone too!
Sara Harricharan 11/29/06
LOL! This was hilarious! An adorable, creative way to look at the 'situation'! Good job!
Cheri Hardaway 11/29/06
Very funny! A good read. Reminds me of the time my dear husband was left in charge of the two daughters, and they left me a "present" in the bathtub water... Hmmmm... Blessings, Cheri
Donna Emery11/29/06
What a nasty trick to play for mommy on her homecoming! But the story was enjoyable and I could sense your love for your daughter despite her impending "eruption". I enjoyed reading this very much. Thanks for sharing it.
Ruth Neilson11/29/06
oh this is priceless! Great job Maxx.
Marie Fieldman11/29/06
I can't believe I've just read a whole story waiting for a baby to--you know what!

I'm flabbergasted! Very funny.(:
Lynda Lee Schab 11/30/06
TOO FUN! Exactly my kind of humor...LOL. I love this lighter side of you, Maxx. You've proved that you're a master not only at intense, dramatic stuff but humor too. Your second place win is well deserved!
Pat Guy 11/30/06
Yep! Priceless! ;) Whew!
Erin Brannan03/06/07
I just started reading your pieces and so far they are amazing. This was so funny and the best part was, as soon as he first told her to wait I knew why. I just KNEW he was waiting for Mommy because my husband does the same thing! Even though I knew the ending, it was still excellent. Maybe even more excellent because I did know the ending and still wanted to read it anyway! =)