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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: Christmas Cooking/Baking (not recipes) (10/16/08)

TITLE: REAL Man Christmas Dinner
By Rick Higginson


We, the Responsible, Evangelical, America-Loving men of this country, do hereby promote the following directions for the REAL Man Christmas dinner preparation.

Whereas many might believe cooking to be ďwomanlyĒ, we REAL Men recognize that the roasting of meat over flame is a very manly thing to do. Therefore, it stands to reason that REAL Men will cook the Christmas turkey over flames.

Real flames, fueled by charcoal (if youíre going to cook over gas flames, just cook it in the house). While this tends to work better in locations where you donít need to tunnel through snow to get to your barbecue grill, many of the principles herein can still apply. Adapt; improvise; overcome. After all, we are REAL Men.

REAL Men also understand that our wives, whom God has given to us as precious gifts and helpmates, should not have to remain enslaved in the kitchen all day on Christmas while we play with all the cool toys we got that morning, like the ultra-spiffy radio controlled tank with laser sights and real shooting cannon and KA-BLAM! Take that, you mangy cat!

Ahem. Where was I? Ah, yes; our wives should not have to be enslaved in the kitchen all day while we play with our toys. They should have a chance to terrorize the cat with the radio controlled tank, too. What could be more fun than that?

The turkey should be cooked over indirect heat on the barbecue, with the coals banked to either side of the bird, and a drip-pan partially filled with water and aromatic herbs beneath it. The beauty of this, men, is we need only check on the barbecue infrequently, adding charcoal as necessary to maintain the heat. Using a spray bottle to bathe the turkey in apple juice during cooking will produce a crispy, golden-brown skin which will impress the daylights out of your guests, and also tastes mighty good. In the meantime, whereíd that cat go? To a man with a tank, every cat looks like a target.

When the turkey is partially done, place foil-wrapped sweet potatoes on the grill over the coals.

No, donít put the little marshmallows on the sweet potatoes before cooking. Yes, I know how much you like those crispy little marshmallows. Look; just trust me, okay? Bake the sweet potatoes on the grill, without additives. Open them hot, put real butter on them and some pumpkin pie spice, and they donít need marshmallows. Weíre already going to need weeks at the gym to work this feast off as it is, and, dude, that spare tire is starting to look like a full-sized 4 by 4 off-road knobby, know what I mean?

Now that the sweet potatoes are cooking we can (hey, put the tank away; we have work to do) get the rest of the side dishes cooking. This is where we will demonstrate our skills in the conventional kitchen, though itís certainly not unmanly to invite your wife to help out if you so desire, so you donít end up ruining the microwave by putting the metal saucepan into it.

Yeah, I know it looks real cool to nuke a saucepan in the microwave, but guys, itís Christmas. Be serious for a moment, okay? Your wife will appreciate it, trust me. Bake some rolls (the kinds from the exploding cans are okay for this), heat some veggies, dish up some cranberry sauce, and youíre the Christmas hero.

Important note here, men; donít make a point while saying grace of mentioning that you cooked the meal. Anybody who needs to know already does, including God. If you managed to finish everything up without reducing the turkey to an oversized, odd-shaped football, He was probably smiling down on you the whole time. Heck, if you managed to light the barbecue without removing your eyebrows, itís clear He was watching over you.

Final secret: Always arrange to have someone else bring the pies. Youíve cooked the turkey, the sweet potatoes (would you forget about the marshmallows already?), and the other stuff. Most people are relieved when all they have to bring is a pie. They can buy them from the store, and not feel guilty that you did everything else.

Best of all, you made it look like the coal in your stocking was a good thing.

(No cats were harmed or harassed in the writing of this entry, though a few got fat on leftover turkey)

The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.
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This article has been read 1137 times
Member Comments
Member Date
LauraLee Shaw10/23/08
This is awesome! Oh man, are you going to be popular this week, male or female... Incredibly creative take on the topic, and I love your voice in the piece. Well done!
Robyn Burke10/23/08
i was laughing out loud while i read this! hilarous! yes the 'voice' was just great!
Dee Yoder 10/23/08
Oh boy--I'm going to print this out and tape it to my hubby's mirror...hope he'll get the hint. (: You are, indeed, a hero and a REAL MAN!
Joanne Sher 10/23/08
Just LOVE the voice- and yes, I laughed all the way through. Clever!
Laury Hubrich 10/23/08
So very funny! Great job! And I am really hungry for this turkey, by the way. Spray with apple juice? That sounds divine! Tell us when it's done and we'll all be right over!
Sheri Gordon10/23/08
This is SO funny. I needed a good laugh today--thanks. This was my favorite line: "Take that, you mangy cat!" I just pictured the poor cat running from the remote controlled tank. Great job with the topic.
Seema Bagai 10/23/08
This is hilarious! I enjoyed reading it.
Lollie Hofer10/24/08
Funny, funny, funny! Did I mention this was funny? AND the amazing thing is, with all the hilarity going on, you didn't sacrifice your grammar, punctuation, first person voice, etc. You get an A+ for a well-written, complete package that was delivered in laughter. Did I mention this was funny?
Celeste Ammirata10/27/08
I loved this...it's so funny! You had me laughing about the remote control tank and the marshmallows. Great job!
Sharlyn Guthrie10/27/08
Love your sense of humor. I hope husbands cooking Christmas dinner catches on, and, as a cat lover, I'm glad you added the footnote!
Beth LaBuff 10/27/08
Ha! Love the differentiation between "real" flames and gas! :) What fun! I'm off to get some "exploding can" rolls for dinner. :)
Karlene Jacobsen10/27/08
Hahahahahahahahahahaha! Did I tell you I laughed? Couldn't stop! REAL men cooking instructions. I was thinking Tim Taylor, MORE POWER! Especially with the RC Tank.
I loved,also, your frequent breaks to speak directly to those other REAL men.
Pamela Kliewer10/27/08
This is great! I laughed throughout this piece. Kudos! That turkey sounds delish! :)
Catrina Bradley 10/27/08
Humorous, entertaining, AND informational. I want to try bbqed turkey now!
Kristen Hester10/27/08
This is delightful! I loved every word and will read it to my hubby.
Betty Castleberry10/27/08
Priceless. Reads like a column in a guy magazine. Excellent work.
Joshua Janoski10/28/08
Oh man! LOL! This was hilarious! My absolute favorite so far this week! There were so many side-splitting liens, but here was one of my favorites:

"Yeah, I know it looks real cool to nuke a saucepan in the microwave, but guys, itís Christmas. Be serious for a moment, okay"

HAHAHA! Great stuff! I sense a winner with this one. I think it would be an injustice for it not to win. This story has everything you could want in a 750 word piece. :)
Verna Cole Mitchell 10/28/08
Love it...you don't live near us, do you?
Leah Nichols 10/29/08
LOL This totally sounds like my dad....and he totally loved making "Experiments In The Microwave" (which we appropriately named EIT'Ms - pronounced "eat'ms"). Nice work - very creative!
Marijo Phelps10/29/08
Yes! I am chuckling still - we have 16 paws in our house and every year I have to talk my hubby out of buying a radio controlled car to chase them... nice piece!
Karlene Jacobsen10/29/08
I'm still laughing! This is great!
Lyn Churchyard10/30/08
Responsible, Evangelical, America-Loving men. LOL Rick, this was priceless. My son-in-law could definitely relate to this style of cooking.

Absolutely wonderful story. Full marks for inventiveness and great humour.
Sheri Gordon10/30/08
Congratulations on your EC. I'm so glad to see this very funny piece place.
Charla Diehl 11/05/08
Witty, creative, informative, funny,entertaining--well by now you must know that I truly loved this piece. Congrats on your win. Looking forward to next week's entry.