The Official Writing Challenge
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03/14/06
What an approach! Enjoyed the unfolding solution. Some editing esp. around the dish washing scene and it's good to go IMHO.
Thanks for your word of encouragement. What editing were your suggesting surrounding the disk washing scene.

Patricia Charlton
03/15/06
I wasn't clear on who left the treasure hunt, and on the narrator's leap from the "will not depart" clue to the grandmother (who did depart). It's a clever idea, but needs refinement. I like the fact that your narrator mulled over the clues all day--I certainly would!
Jan, refinement in what area? My storyline required that I leave out who left the clues.
03/16/06
On the whole, I think this is a good story. I read this earlier in the week but made no comment. But now that I have permission from you, I'll make a few suggestions from my perspective. There are some things that need "tightening" up. For example: to be consistent, the "was" in the first line should be in present tense: "are". You repeat "while" and "now" a lot. Those sentences could be reworked to eliminate the "wordy" words. The sentence where you are brushing your teeth and putting on your makeup makes it sound the mirror is doing those actions.
The sentence about coming home in traffic is awkward - perhaps something like: "The traffic was bumper to bumper as I made my way home several hours later." A couple of word misses (which I do all the time) was "quite" in this sentence: "Down went the dishcloth, a quite walk down the hall and bounding up the stairs; the chase was on to find my next clue" should be "quick" maybe? Also you should try to bring these action words into agreement: "walk and bound" or "walking and bounding"- this sentence was also a bit awkward. Shorter sentences often pack more punch. In the next sentence, I am guessing you meant "pull chain."
All of these are fussy things but they really do make the difference between good and great. Keep at it, Patricia. You are doing well.
Thanks Linda!
Your comments will make this piece and others great. My next step in this writing journey is a self editing course. Please, fell free to comment on any further articles. Truly your comments are welcome.
03/16/06
I think this is a good take on the topic - really clever! And fun to read.

Just come up with a unique way for Gramma to have left the first clue (since she has already departed), edit and tightened it up some, and you've got a fun read with a wonderful message!

A good ride!
what an entertaining read! Quick moving and filled with twists and turns. You kept my interest the entire read (something very difficult to do). I did find it a little hard to believe WHO sent her the clues. Were you trying to say that Jesus put them there? Was it a Christian friend. I thought that was the most confusing part of thet story. The end verse was great!
03/16/06
Very nice! I was going to suggest dropping some 'nows' as they really started to stick out too much but someone already did a nice critque for you. You really only need some little editing here and there and change up some of the sentence structures for interest and this story will be even better!!
03/16/06
A delightful treasure hunt :) Check your use of maybe vs may be, "maybe here and it maybe not.” try "it may be here and maybe not." Some really fun stuff!
03/16/06
OK, we really want to know who left the clues... This was a great idea. You need to watch your tense. Make sure you pick a tense and stick to it (present or past). And I agree that you should get rid of some of the "now"s. But a good story - great job.
03/16/06
It's me again - I left a comment earlier about tense. This is always a tricky area. Here is a tip - when I am finished writing and editing a piece, I always read over it one last time just to check my verb tenses to make sure they all agree.
I love the constructive comments. Keep them comming.

Shari, why do I need to separate the first "maybe" and not the second?

Terri, I checked this piece four to five times before entering. I get confused with the tenses. Thanks for your insight.
03/16/06
Very creative! A really enjoyable read. :)
03/17/06
Cute story - but I wonder how long the note was on the dresser before she saw it. Days? Weeks? I like the nagging clues that lurked in her brain all day.