Oh, what a night, what absolute misery. This night seems darker than usual.
So much has happened in just a short time.
I followed Jesus from a distance, trying hard not to be seen and recognised, and at the same time, I knew I had to control my feelings.
So this is what it has come to, following my Lord from a distance, seeing Him beaten and spat on and disgraced, I can’t bare it.
I thought about the events of the evening…
As we sat and ate together with Jesus, there was a heavy atmosphere around the table.
What it was, I could not put my finger on .Then Jesus spoke to all twelve of us looking at each of us, communicating His deep Love, and I could see He was deeply troubled.
He then said one of us would betray Him, and we would be scattered. I knew I loved the Lord, how could I deny Him?
My Lord told me,”…this day, even this night, before the cock crow twice, thou shalt deny me thrice.”*
I had said even if I had to die with him, I could not deny Him in any way.
Jesus took James and John ,and I to the garden of Gethsemane for prayer. He told us His soul was sorrowful unto death, but all we did was sleep, I was no help to Him at all.
Then came the battle;
I saw Judas leading a multitude of people carrying swords and other weapons. Coming against us.
This time I m going to fight, I will do something for the Lord.
I waited for my chance, when they grabbed Him pulling Him this way and that, I drew my sword and attacked one, cutting off his ear. That earned me a rebuke from Jesus.
“And you were also with Jesus of Nazareth,” My thoughts were interrupted as I heard a young girl address me. This cant be happening now.
“I do not know nor do I understand what you are saying.” I answered
I was recognised again, and again, I denied all the three times
Cock-a-doodle-dooooo, I came to my senses with a start, God, that’s the second cock crow and I have denied Jesus three times, I broke down and wept….
Forgive me Lord, forgive me.
I have let you down, yet again.
How true are your words, my Lord.
Now I remember when you said,
That the body is weak while the spirit is willing.
I denied you, fearing for my own sake,
Now I know better;
You are the One who can die for me.
The dawn is breaking;
May I become the rock,
Of which you spoke about.
I lack self-control, and wisdom,
May my actions not be rushed?
But controlled by you, my God.
I place myself in your control,
My speech and all,
And hope to follow you,
And serve you better.
Please forgive me, my Lord, my God
* Mark 14:30 kjv
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