Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: THE UGLY TOURIST (07/09/15)
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TITLE: Sunshine on The Mountain | Previous Challenge Entry
By Judy Allen
07/15/15 -
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I was the ugly tourist. Our family was hiking a beautiful part of the Sawtooth Mountains in northern Idaho. We were from the city and it had been too long since we breathed in fresh air. I stopped to examine each small flower and paused for every chirp of an unfamiliar bird. My sons stopped too, but not with much enthusiasm. One of them fumbled with his backpack, searching for misplaced snacks among all its zippers, and the other examined rocks then threw them out over the ledge. They also threw each other, all in fun and not over the ledge, but we weren’t the only ones hiking. Another family in particular was not amused.
I apologized as my sons knocked over another hiker’s water bottle. It wasn’t damaged and the cap was on tight, but still it was annoying. I understood. We gathered our things and hurried down the path. It started to drizzle, so we fumbled for our rain ponchos and quickly began unfolding them. Mine was bright yellow, which amused my sons, so they called me “mom sunshine.” I tried to be! The past year had been anything but sunny, but we were venturing out now. We were trying to regain normalcy. I noticed the birds didn’t stop chirping although a shower had begun. It didn’t last long and their songs endured regardless. I thought of scripture. God was watching over them and certainly, we were of much more value. I smiled to myself and tucked “mom sunshine” into my heart hoping to be just that!
We stopped to eat our sandwiches and take a few, long slugs from our canteens. The same family, that we had previously annoyed, walked up with their dog and sat close by. I was surprised that they sat so close. I was afraid one of my awkward and active pre-teen sons might aggravate their otherwise peaceful lunch. I didn’t have to wonder long. One of their daughters opened a can of soda, which invited some bees, which invited one of my sons to swat them. In his exuberance, he backhanded their young daughter on the back of the head. Her mother stood and began to yell at him then me. Her father joined in as did her other two siblings. We were called careless, assuming, self-entitled and a few other adjectives. I again gathered my sons, after an apology, and quickly made space between them and us.
I found a nice spot to try lunch again and began praying in my heart as I looked out over the valley. I thanked God for the beauty of the mountains, the songs of the birds, for my rambunctious sons, for our meal and that he has sustained us after the death of my husband. However, the angry words of the other family shouted loudly in my mind. They had rebuked us with a well-educated vocabulary and I thought their social skills should match their knowledge. I tried hard to dismiss my assumptions. They were right! I was assuming! However, not as charged.
I watched my sons laughing, jesting and throwing rocks down into that lovely valley below. I thought of the beautiful foliage, the fields of flowers and the possible wildlife that had to catch those rocks! I felt anger. I felt frustration. I started to give them my personal rebuke when my bright yellow poncho caught a breeze and lifted gracefully for a moment, fell, and then lifted again. One of my rough and roughty sons turned to notice and a huge smile crossed his face. “You are ‘mom sunshine!’” he laughed pointing to my inflated, yellow poncho. I felt silly and wonderful. I began to dismiss my angry thoughts about the other family and my embarrassment concerning my sons’ playful and overly helpful behavior. I joined them to toss rocks. It had been a long, sorrowful year. My sons seemed to be coping well, but who could know their hearts? God alone. He was the only one that knew mine as well. All I knew is that we were never truly alone.
When we drove into the garage that night, I felt a happy exhaustion. I started to get ugly on that mountain and even though it was inside, and honestly, I was still struggling, I had stopped my words. I had earned the title “mom sunshine” and knowing my sons it would stick. For sure, rain would come again, but for that day we had triumphed!
This article is fictitious in part
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I'm not sure if your opening line was the best. First, it's a passive line, but even more so, I think if you needed to use it, it would have been more effective as a thought. For example: After packing our things, we scurried away from the family. As soon as we were out of sight, I crumpled to the ground. I've failed my boys. I don't know how to do this on my own. I'm the ugly tourist our family had joked about, but that was before--before our world changed.
I know I took some liberties and might have added some things that may not fit your story, but I wanted to show how using thoughts and body language can develop the characters, move the story along, and paint a picture.
I loved your ending. Often people struggle with the ending because of the word limit and the desire to tie it into a neat bow. Your ending left me feeling hopefully and grateful. I think you were spot on topic wise, and you told a refreshing story. Great job.