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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Music (03/08/07)
The man walked down the pier and stopped at the end. He pulled out a cigarette and flipped up the collar of his tattered red jacket. The wind rustled his hair and he shivered slightly. It took awhile for him to get the cigarette lit. Finally successful, he leaned on the railing and looked out at the ocean. There was a small crumpled paper in his pocket and he pulled it out to look at again. The name and phone number on it was etched into his memory and was one of the few things he remembered anymore. He watched the smoke from his cigarette fade away after each exhale. She had said we are all like mists, wasn’t that what she said? He took another drag from his cigarette and turned to walk away.

There was a bar he liked at the end of the pier and so he stopped in for a drink. It had been a few hours since his last. It was dark and smelled of stale smoke and whiskey. “I’d like a rum and coke,” he said.

“Coming right up. Haven’t seen you in here for awhile.” the bartender said as he laid the drink down. The man drank it straight away and asked for another before the bartender had had the chance to walk away. “Where you been? Still playing?”

“Not much,” the man said. “There’s this girl.”

“Yes, a girl. I know how that goes.”

“I met her when I was playing at the Dresdan. She invited me to church.” He signaled for another drink. “She told me I was an alcoholic.”

“Well, no comment on that one” the bartender said with a laugh.

“She keeps telling me these things, but I keep calling her anyway. I don’t know. Sometimes I think I … I don’t know.” He shook his head.

“Yeah, it’s hard to know about that. You might want to steer clear of that religious scene. You don’t want to get too square.” The bartender left and the man was left with his drink.

He stared off into the distance and sighed. There had always been a song in his head. Something he was working on. It was all about his music. All of it. He sighed again. There was no song anymore, just the girl and her God. He couldn’t shake the thoughts of them no matter how hard he tried.
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Member Comments
Member
Date
Jen Davis
03/16/07
An interesting story. I’m left wanting to know more. I noticed there was a couple of times you did not use a comma before your dialogue tag, but the dialogue between the two men sounds very real. I hope you will continue to expand on this.
julie wood
03/16/07
This story haunted me. Beautiful, vivid descriptions--I could see the ragged man on the pier right away and feel his confusion and despair. Also liked descriptions of objects, such the "crumpled" paper.

Great dialogue too--the two characters came alive for me as they conversed!

Would like to see this story lengthened somehow.

Intriguing message--makes one wonder what choices the main character will make.

Good title--it sparked my curiosity!
Jacquelyn Horne
03/17/07
Enjoyed this article. I would like to see it go on in the telling. Maybe after the challenge, you could tell a little more. Good job.
LINDA GERMAIN 
03/22/07
I like a story that insists I read between the lines. The veiled foreshadowing at the end challenges the reader to decide what happens next. Good Job!