The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
02/07/06
A sweet story that might work for a young teen Sunday School lesson. I think you can eliminate the Rrrrring-ing at the beginning and just start with the first sentence. Keep up the good work!
02/09/06
Very nice story. It was a good way to present the topic.
What a neat way to present "control," I hadn't even thought of it that way. Good use of Scripture too. One suggestion: write the dialogue a bit more casually. For example, use "it's" instead of "it is." Try reading the dialogue portions out loud, then you can see where to make the changes. Your story points out how many kids interact with one another these days, and I can only pray that my children will make the same decision as your protag.
02/09/06
I agree, this has a good message for teens as well as some that hasn't grown out of it yet! I was a little bit confused at the last paragraph, during the phone conversation with Angie. I think if you made that a bit clearer, it would be just right.
For instance: she was going to Margot’s house and was sorry if Angie got angry

You may have said, "I am going to Margot's house and I am sorry if you get angry
or
she was going to Margot's house and was sorry if she got angry

God bless ya, keep writing! littlelight