Something surged through my body like nothing I had ever felt before. It ran its course through my blood and made its way into my brain—where it grabbed at my mind and cut off any thought or ability to cry for help.
I felt dirty, and yet, somehow powerful and helpless at the same time. The pounding reverberated through my body, a pulse dancing to a lurid beat, breaking into the darkest secrets of my past. Memories of things I had done came back to me; visions of my sins playing out in the darkness.
“See, my dear, now I am in control,” a teasing voice said. “You gave yourself to me, and you can never be saved. No one wants you now. You are useless to everyone but me. I am the master… you are the slave. Get it?” The voice whispered from somewhere within me, I could feel the heat of its breath flushing my face. Almost like I was saying it myself, like it consumed me… And who was I fooling? It did consume me. I could not escape this; I was in too deep this time.
I looked up when I heard someone screaming in the distance. Screaming out horrible things into the cold air, gruesome curses at someone I couldn’t see… The voice sounded so familiar… It was my voice, but then… it wasn’t. It was a distorted version of the voice I had once loved. I didn’t know what I was saying, and I couldn’t make it stop. I was no longer the person making the decisions.
…Stop, stop. Why couldn’t I make it stop? It hurt—it almost killed. It filled every cell in my body. Guilt had been let loose in me. How could I have been so stupid?
“Because you thought you were better then that. Surely you could mingle with evil but not fall prey to it. You ignorant FOOL! Of course I would win! I am victorious! Here we are ladies and gentlemen, another stupid ‘church’ kid! Ha! See, this is what makes me better.”
Wait… church… what was it Kaleb had said the other night? For he will command his angles concerning you to guard you in all your ways.† How could I get that? Christ’s protection. He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High… ††
“No! Noooo!” The heat of his anger poured over and through me.
“In the name of the Most High be gone!” Someone commanded. But who? Surely it wasn’t me… Ooohhh! Pain filled my chest; it felt like it had exploded! My heart throbbed and my eyes went black. It was fighting… I could feel my body go into fits of convulsions.
“You nasty little creature!” It screeched in my ear. Curses worse then I could imagine came pouring out of my mouth like tar. Guilt ripped into my gut, its whispers filled my thoughts. What had I been thinking? Even if it did leave me no one would ever forget this day. It would be marked on my life like a criminal offence. I started to loose my grip on life, started to fall into the darkness that would never end…
“Be gone! In the name of Jesus Christ, leave this place!” I heard once more. I could feel it fighting to stay inside of my mind, my heart, and me as a whole but it finally gave in; with one final jolt it left me. When I fell back I was my own again. I opened my eyes to see my brother leaning over me. His huge luminous blue eyes were filled with urgency.
“Are you ok?” he asked as he wiped sweat off my brow.
“… Yes. But… was it you who sent it away?”
“Yes,” he said simply. His eyes were shining with tears of relief. I was now sure that those curses I had screamed into the darkness had been aimed at him, if only I had known…
“I’m sorry… I’m so, so sorry, Kaleb. Please, can you ever forgive me?”
“Of course,” he said and pulled me tighter.
“I mess things up so bad when I am in control, Kaleb.” I said. “I will need your help getting back into the ‘God’ thing, but I think it’s time to take up dwelling in the shadow of the Almighty.”
† Psalm 91:11 (NIV)
†† Psalm 91:1 (NIV)
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