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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Spring (as in the season) (11/28/05)
As she lay in bed, the covers bunched up in a wad down by her feet, only the soft cotton sheet on top of her, Carolyn listened to the wonderful symphony outside. The crickets were chirping in a beautiful and rhythmic pattern, filled in nicely by the occasional hoot of an owl. Aromas crept in through her open window as the flowers began to bloom. She loved this time of year. Springtime, when everything was brand new and full of life, always took her on a journey back to her childhood. The innocence of this season filled her with joy and sweet memories of long ago. Carolyn glanced at her husband Mark, who was fast asleep beside her. Snoring with a force Carolyn often likened to a large truck, she could almost feel the bed shake under him. All was quiet in her home, her safe haven, and the cool breeze slowly filled every room in her house with free air-conditioning.

Carolyn decided it was the perfect night to get up and read a book. She had just started on Solitude, which was a literary masterpiece, filled with excitement and adventure. As she sat up in her bed, not yet ready to accompany her husband in slumber, she burrowed herself deep into her literature. Her mind quickly took her into the world of a young man, battling demons that tormented him constantly. While battles escalated, she rapidly crashed back into her own world. What was that? She thought as the book fell from her hands and onto the sheet. Her brain began to throw out all the numerous explanations for the sound she just heard. Quietly, she woke Mark, asking him to go check on the noise. Begrudgingly, he rose, wiped the sleep from his eyes, grabbed a bat, and made his way out the door. Suddenly, shot rang out through the night, piercing the once silent home. Carolyn grabbed the phone a dialed 911. After several minutes (which seemed like days), she mustered up enough courage to go check on the situation. As sirens screamed in the background, Carolyn found her husband in a pile on the floor, still clutching the bat. While she tried to help him, tears poured down her cheeks, the police raced in to her home. In addition, as they wheeled him away in a stretcher, Carolyn had a weird thought. Springtime would never bring to her the same simple memories again.
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This article has been read 948 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Andria Cook
12/05/05
This piece was well done. It was a contrast to the theme of spring bringing life, but I feel that it worked well with the theme.

Be carefuly how many times you use the sentence structure "as this was happing". And watch for redundant word usage.

Overall, I rather enjoyed this piece! Thanks for sharing!
Gini Branch
12/05/05
Quite a transition. Good action verbs. That "in additon" at the end is a spoiler. That's the good part about delete keys. :)
Allison Millward
12/06/05
The sudden ending was quite unexpected. Be careful of the grammar and endings of words..they can stop the reader from following the story if they have to figure out what was meant. Perhaps the ending was too much of a sudden stop...perhaps it was intended to leave us wondering.
James Clem
12/06/05
The shift was abrupt as it was meant to be - especially so as it told in just two paragraphs. The description of the book was a distraction.
Jan Ackerson
12/07/05
In the first paragraph, you liken the husband's snoring to a truck, then you write "All was quiet in her home..."

Smaller paragraphs would contribute to the mood of this piece.

Good job at lulling your readers into thinking it was one kind of story, then socking it to us.
Marilyn Schnepp 
12/09/05
You want honesty? You need to break these two paragraphs down into at least five, and do some editing; it has great potential, and with time, alot can be done with this story...Thank you for sharing; God Bless.
Nina Phillips
12/11/05
You said a lot, the ending was a surprise. Something like getting whacked with a baseball bat out the clear blue. I agree this was a good story, should have it paragraphed a little more.
Thank you for sharing! God bless ya, littlelight