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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Bestie (05/22/14)

TITLE: The Misanthrope’s Practical Guide to Avoiding Close Friendships
By Diane M. Bowman


This guide is intended solely for the dedicated misanthrope. The practical advice found in this article will increase your ability to maintain your total dislike of people while keeping anyone from desiring a close friendship with you.

1. Avoid eye contact - This is very important. Accidental eye contact with a stranger may be misinterpreted as an invite into your life. Stores and public transportation are places you may be particularly susceptible to advances of this nature. Always walk with your head down. Cell phones can be very helpful in dodging connections. Don't worry about who you would be interacting with on your phone. Simply acting as though you have an important message or call will sufficiently deter all communication.

2. Never smile - A smile more than any other expression or gesture tends to bring out the friendliness in people. Focusing on all the ways you have been hurt in the past will make it much easier to not smile even when you are having a good day.

3. Fail to recall names - Even if you do remember their name, be careful not to use it or reveal your knowledge. Using a person's name can make them feel they are important to you and cause them to expect increased associations in the future.

4. Circumvent social functions - Maintain a list of excuses why you cannot attend social functions. (Obviously fabricated reasons will be the most effective.) Events of this type tend to promote a feeling of camaraderie and can severely inhibit your ability to keep others at arm's length.

5. Develop expert ignoring skills - When an individual is speaking to you, don't interact to any greater extent than a emitting a grunt or two. This ought to be enough to let them know you heard them but are decidedly not interested in what they are saying. Never ask questions or repeat back to them what you think they are trying to convey. Beginning to understand another's point of view can break down your carefully constructed walls.

6. Gossip - Gossip can be used as a defense mechanism if someone manages to become too close to you. Criticize them to everyone you meet. Eventually, your words will return to them and you will no longer need to deal with the nuisance of their friendship. As a bonus, it will also repel everyone who heard their disparagement.

With a little imagination and effort, you will think of many more ways to evade any form of friendship.

I leave you with a warning - one faction will succeed in cracking the walls you worked so hard to establish and will build relationships with you in spite of your best efforts. Christians are nearly impossible to turn away from, wall out, and ignore. No matter how painfully you hurt them, they come back for more. In addition to their resilience, the joy radiating from their lives draws others with a strong force. Be extremely careful to not ever leave yourself vulnerable to one of them. All misanthropes who begin to believe in God fail to maintain their standard of hatred towards the general population. In fact, they often end up forming myriads of friendships and some even go to the extent of counting Jesus as their best friend. A self-respecting misanthropist must be extremely diligent to ensure he never suffers this ultimate disgrace.

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This article has been read 966 times
Member Comments
Member Date
C D Swanson 05/29/14
A very different approach to this weeks topic. Interesting, and well done.

God bless~
Robert Douglas Brown05/29/14
I like your out-of-the-box approach! You remind me of me! I mean this as a complement! I had to read it a couple of times to fully get the message. This is not a bad thing whatsoever. Good articles should make the reader to dig deeper to find the meaning. All-in-all, an excellent article from a fellow "Beginner"

God Bless!!
Sheldon Bass 05/31/14
Oh wow, this is great. I love your wonderful physiological approach. And you nailed many of the key necessities of being a friend, as well as, well-practiced communication skills.

I have a feeling this will do well. Thank you for a delightful read. More, More, More!
lynn gipson 06/01/14
This is well written, interesting and true. We as Christians always come back for more. That's what we do.

Very well done.
Judith Gayle Smith06/01/14
Beginner? Not for long. You write very well - is your tongue unstuck from your cheek?

I enjoyed this muchly . . .
Mar  06/01/14
Very creative, brilliant take, I enjoyed very much!
Joe Moreland06/01/14
This looked straight out of one of those films from the '60s that they used to make us watch in school...how to avoid the bomb, how to win friends, how to avoid drugs, etc. I could almost hear it as a narration with one of those deep voiceovers. :)

Great job. You not only came up with a creative and inventive way to tackle the topic, but you stayed true to your theme, with a appropriate ending, not as easy as it sounds in a piece like this. You comedic timing was excellent as well.

Great job!

Larry Whittington06/01/14
This is a well researched and well written practical guide. It is guaranteed to work.

One caution though. You should be careful so this material does not get into enemy hands. I am afraid it can be quickly decoded and used against us.
Noel Mitaxa 06/02/14
Very clever and creative treatment of the topic, with a slight touch of CS Lewis' Screwtape Letters. Well done, for it should rate very well.
Graham Insley06/02/14
A very cleverly written twist to the topic. I wondered how you were going to introduce 'Bestie'; but you didn't disappoint.

My red ink, lol, is that you left out one very important thing to avoid. Do not become part of FaithWriters, it is sure to bring a smile to your lips and an encouragement towards friendship. lol

Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 06/02/14
I think this is brilliant. You have a delightful sense of sardonic humor and I enjoyed every word. I like the back door approach to the topic as well. It was creative, fresh, and a pure delight.
C D Swanson 06/05/14

God bless~
C D Swanson 06/05/14

God Bless~
Don V. Standeford06/27/14
Very inventive article. I enjoyed the irony.