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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Eternity (03/10/11)

TITLE: Where My Baby Lives
By Jennifer Hill


Seven years ago my heart shattered at the loss of our forth baby. I had been three months along. We had heard and seen the heartbeat, just four weeks before. My baby had been growing and living inside of me. My body didn’t even notify me when the baby died. I had to find out by ultrasound. I knew right away when the image came up on the monitor. The heartbeat was missing, gone, loss. Tears streamed, my mind screamed, my mouth could only whisper, “My Baby”. My husband lovingly comforted me and took me home. It was too late in the day for a DNC. We’d have to come back next day. I didn’t want one! I didn’t want any of this heartbreak!

That night I cried like I had never before. Our three sons were sad too, even our two year old understood. They each had been so excited. My husband and I couldn’t wait to welcome and hold our wonderful child number four. I couldn’t sleep and finally when I did, I woke up having to realize the truth all over again. Our baby was gone. Days passed and my heart still ached on and on. I cried and prayed to God. I never once was mad at him. I just didn’t understand, our baby had had a heartbeat, it had been growing inside of me only weeks ago.

After a couple weeks we found out that we would need to wait to try again, my miscarriage had complications. The doctor couldn’t fully confirm the complications, but precautions had to be taken. My heart and mind could not take it. My heart broke even more. My mind raced with questions. I cried and prayed more to God.

I fully trusted in him, that he was in charge, in control. My husband agreed and out went the birth control pills. If I wasn’t meant to get pregnant, I trusted God to not allow it. If it was to be then God would bless us with another baby. Within a month of trusting prayers and clinging to his word, I thought I may be pregnant again. That Father’s Day we took the test, and sure enough it was positive. The doctor confirmed it, and never once did he scold us. He too believed and trusted in God.

The baby was monitored closely and all was alright. A beautiful baby girl was born a year and five days after the miscarriage, on Valentine’s Day. Only God could’ve planned for that. We praised God for the new little blessing in our lives.

But we never forgot our baby we loss. I think of him or her often. I even named the baby “Jamie”. I wrote notes too, never to be read by them but it helped me to say what I needed to share with them. I sometimes ask God to let Jamie know they are loved and missed.

I wonder what it is like to grow up in Heaven. Does Jamie fish in the crystal sea with my Grandpa? Bake cookies with my Grandma? Does he walk along the shores of heaven with Jesus? I often say he, I picture Jamie as a boy-just a sense I have, knowing I might be surprised when I get there. What it must be like to grow up safely in eternity. No scrapped knees, no broken dreams.

I miss our baby so much, and thank the Lord always for his promise of eternity. I know my child, part my husband and part me, is there living in Heaven. A bond my husband and I will forever share. I know someday when my time here is done, I too will be in Heaven and get to meet our baby. I have no doubts that we’ll walk up to each other and I’ll have no question as to who they are. He’ll be strong and handsome, our precious son or maybe a beautiful daughter. I know in my heart I will know them. Our first sweet embrace will be in eternity, where my heart will be fully mended.

God is so good, his will is perfect, his gifts are perfect and his timing is perfect. My baby had stopped growing inside of me, but my faith grew beyond measure during that time. That tiny little life had a reason for being, no matter how short that time was. Jamie brought me closer to the giver of life and the promise of eternity.

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Member Comments
Member Date
Bonnie Bowden 03/18/11
Your story brings tears of joy to my eyes.
diana kay03/21/11
lovely :-) such a person and beautiful story. I am glad God brought joy after the tears and i love the final part about your thoughts on the child in heaven.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 03/21/11
This is a beautiful but so sad story. It was easy to feel the sorrow you were and still are experiencing.

A couple of tiny notes It's a D and C and when talking about Jamie-who is one person you should use he, she (or even it, but that wouldn't feel right) but not they. You want to match the pronoun with the noun. But those are just tiny things.

I used to be a maternity nurse and it didn't matter how many times I had faced that situation I needed to go in the looked room and cry for the parents. You did a good job making the reader understand to some degree that horrible pain.
Cheryl von Drehle03/22/11
Very moving. I would love to see you work with this story some more. Some parts read more like reporting but, for example, the last paragraph and the section imagining Jamie in heaven hit the mark beautifully as descriptive and revealing prose that connect very deeply with an audience.