The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 167 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
01/25/19
You've built some credible dialogue into this story, but the word limit has got in the way. I'm looking forward to seeing how chapter two shapes up.
I was sure I had commented on this story yesterday, but cyberspace must have eaten my words. You do a fine job of developing the characters. You're an artist at painting word pictures. I delighted in your descriptions. A couple of tiny things: To me it would seem super odd for him to wear his Olympic medal around his neck unless he was going to a specific event like an interview or something. Since she wears Olympic earrings, maybe she could've recognized him. Also, I think it might be hard to pick up the word play during a conversation, maybe she could say, "soul, you know like in spirit." or something like that. Like I said those are tiny unimportant details. I know I often do similar things in my writing too because my characters are so well-defined in my mind. The exchange between the two was fun to read. Your dialog really gave the characters depth, and even though he conceded fairly fast, I know the word limit probably had a lot to do with it. That said, I still liked the ending, and I could also believe that she is pretty convincing, and combine that with the Holy Spirit, pretty much anything is possible.
I was sure I had commented on this story yesterday, but cyberspace must have eaten my words. You do a fine job of developing the characters. You're an artist at painting word pictures. I delighted in your descriptions. A couple of tiny things: To me it would seem super odd for him to wear his Olympic medal around his neck unless he was going to a specific event like an interview or something. Since she wears Olympic earrings, maybe she could've recognized him. Also, I think it might be hard to pick up the word play during a conversation, maybe she could say, "soul, you know like in spirit." or something like that. Like I said those are tiny unimportant details. I know I often do similar things in my writing too because my characters are so well-defined in my mind. The exchange between the two was fun to read. Your dialog really gave the characters depth, and even though he conceded fairly fast, I know the word limit probably had a lot to do with it. That said, I still liked the ending, and I could also believe that she is pretty convincing, and combine that with the Holy Spirit, pretty much anything is possible.
I picked up on the nastiness of tapioca balls and peeling feet. I was grimacing during your descriptions! I like the way the two persons had a connection via jewelry. I would love to read more of this story.
Congratulations on ranking 11th overall. Happy Dance!