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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Violation (04/04/24)
The silent scream

If only I could silence that silent scream!
The one inside me that will not go away.
The one that has been there, since that day.

I try to pray and all You say is, “Forgive.” How am I supposed to forgive? Don’t You understand what he did to me? I don’t want to forgive. I want to hate. To hate and hate and hate until I find a way to destroy him. When I have destroyed him, then I will forgive. When everyone knows what sort of a man he is, then I will forgive. When I am vindicated for all my anger then I will forgive.

Only then.

And while I am on the subject, where were You when all this was happening? Why did You not protect me? You stood by and did nothing. Am I supposed to believe You care for me? You could have stopped him. But You didn’t.

I am violated. Dirty. Used and abused. Fouled. Why did You even create men like that in the first place? Why can’t You understand how I feel?
Why are You showing me this vision of Your Son on the cross? I know He suffered dreadfully but He was not violated.

Or was He?
Maybe. Maybe He was.

Even if He was – that just makes it worse that You stood by and did nothing. You just let Him be abused and die in agony. Why?

Because You want us all to be saved. I used to think that was wonderful. I gave my life to You. But I do NOT want him to be saved. He has destroyed my life. Why should I want to forgive him?

It would help if people believed me. But they don’t. I am just a silly, ignorant girl, making up stories to get attention. How can I prove anything? I should have gone straight to hospital. But you cannot think straight after such things. I raced home and curled up in a ball and did not move for a very, very long time.

He, on the other hand, is famous and important. He is a great preacher. His sermons are inspiring. His altar calls crowded. I was innocent. Naïve – yes. But innocent. When he told me he had something special to show just me I was so happy at being singled out. It was not until he ripped his clothes off that I understood. I tried to get away but he was stronger than I.

What if I am pregnant? How could I ever love a baby like him? A baby that reminded me of that dreadful night.
I keep thinking I have VD. And the pain………….

The vision of Jesus on the cross grows stronger. I hear Him say, “Father, forgive them.”
Forgive them. My silent scream grows even louder.
I can’t even stop him doing it to others because no-one believes me. And You want me to forgive?

What is this strange vision You are showing me now? All these girls who have been raped? They need help! Can’t You see that? THEY NEED HELP!

A glimmer of light. Maybe a hint of purpose. I can help these girls. But only if I forgive. I don’t see how I can. It is not in me to forgive such a thing.

Help, Lord. Help me. Help me forgive. Then I will help others forgive. I cannot help them until then.

I see a path ahead of me. Forgiveness will not come at the snap of my fingers. It will be a process. Step by step, God will teach me how to forgive. Then I will be able to be a blessing to others who have suffered. Then I will even be able to pray for You to bless him. That will be amazing.

I hear You telling me You have called me to be an overcomer.
Called AND chosen. The silent scream is fading away. No-one can become an overcomer if there is nothing to overcome. Thank You, Lord, for calling me to be an overcomer. By Your grace I will overcome, and then help others overcome.

The silent scream is replaced by a praise song. I can sing again.

I am free. Thank You, Lord. I am FREE!
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This article has been read 285 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
04/13/24
This is a hard story to read. Unfortunately, it'll trigger many people, but those people need to know they aren't alone. There are others who experienced this same thing and of course Jesus will never leave. You did a fine job of going from despair to hope. You definitely nailed the topic while having a clear, Christian message.
Philippa Geaney
04/13/24
Very powerful entry.
Stories are meant to call a response from the reader and your work certainly does.

Marlene Custer 
04/13/24
A sad story for sure. I trust that sharing it brings a degree of healing.
Vince Martella
04/19/24
Congrats on your 1st place win!