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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: NEIGHBOR (06/01/17)
A stranger lies sprawled on the dirt ground, half-naked and barefoot. He is bloodied and badly bruised all over. He moaned and grimaced in pain, but could hardly move his body. He desperately asked for help, but his words were so faint, that only he could hear his own voice. It was around four o’clock on a hot afternoon in the outskirts of Jericho, and the sun’s heat scorched the stranger’s already sore flesh. He was gasping and sweating profusely. A few seconds later, he lost consciousness.

Just a few moments back, four men ganged up on him as walked up the road leading to the entrance of the city. The men were thieves preying on unfamiliar faces coming into their territory. They grabbed him, dragged him on the side of the street, then beat him up with their fists and clubs. After he slumped on the ground, they took whatever belongings he was carrying. Not only that, they also stripped him of his clothes and sandals, leaving him with just an undergarment. Afterwards, they just casually walked away. They weren’t even concerned if anybody saw what they did. A few people saw from a distance what they did to the helpless stranger, but ignored it maybe because of apathy or fear for the gang.

The victim did not have anything much valuable in his possession. In fact, he was going to Jericho to look for work. He was financially in need. Now, he lies down half-dead. A few people passed by, including a priest who just looked down on him, shook their heads and went on their way. Others avoided him by walking on the other side of the street.

Finally, a certain man, a firewood peddler on the way to the city, stopped and took pity on him. He nursed and bound up his wounds, and loaded him up on his mule-led firewood cart. He brought him to an inn in the city and gave the poor victim food, water, and some medicine when he regained his consciousness. The next morning, the firewood peddler paid the caretaker of the inn and asked him to let the still weak man stay for two more days so he can recover well, and promised to return to pay for the additional costs. Before he left, the wounded man gave thanks to him, and asked why he alone bothered to help him. The good man replied saying, "When I saw you back there half-dead and forgotten, I saw myself. What if I was you in that position? Would I help myself? Of course, I’d help myself. When I was helping you, I thought I was helping myself. That was how I saw you as my neighbor". Then, the firewood peddler departed to go about his business.

After just a few days, the victim of thievery and violence fully recuperated, perhaps because he was inspired by the good deed done to him. He later found work in Jericho as a farm worker. He at times would muse to himself: "I was saved because a neighbor saw me as himself". He promised to himself that he would look at his neighbor the way the firewood peddler did.
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Member Comments
Member
Date
Phillip Cimei
06/11/17
You did a good retelling job. I liked the twist at the end on the beaten man's part.

I can't ever recall having heard a sermon on the viewpoint of the beaten man. Mostly on the Samaritan,the priest and that poor spineless Levite who followed in the priest's footsteps.

Good job. God Bless.
Phillip Cimei
06/11/17
Sorry a couple of added suggestions. Try to break up the long paragraphs. And reread for silly left out words or minor mistakes. Take your time.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
06/12/17
I enjoyed your retelling of the familiar parable. I thought I'd read a lot like this, but so far this is the first one. Even if there are several, I think your POV is fresh.

I noticed you started in the present tense and then switched to past. Past tense works nicely. Next you switched to past perfect (an event farther in the past). Personally, I think you could've started with this. Because the man is unconscious, it would be difficult to remember what happened. Be careful that you don't have POV shifts. (It's a shift to say thieves weren't concerned if anyone saw them since you're telling it from the POV of the beaten man.)

You did a great job of making this your own while still staying true to the Bible. I'd encourage you to go further and add dialog and thoughts too.

I really enjoyed the retelling. You made me see it with fresh eyes and it was nicely paced. Keep writing.
C D Swanson 
06/13/17
Loved this!
Blessings~
Betty Overstreet
06/13/17
First I would like to say that I feel when we get a comment from Shann,(She commented here) it is good to pay attention. She has helped me greatly. That said, I have a couple of things I noticed.

There are some words missing, such as: The word He-as he walked.

I am learning to read and re-read before uploading as I am bad about inserting unnecessary words.

Loved your take on the subject. Can't wait to read your next entry!
Deborah Porter 
06/20/17
Bernardo, this was a good attempt to retell the parable of the Good Samaritan. The trick with Bible retelling is to find a creative and fresh way to communicate the story. In this case, there wasn't enough fresh input to make it stand out from the pack. When you think about it, Jesus "wrote" the original story. The bar is fairly high to tell it in a better way.

So how could you have made this more creative? You did try to give the characters a little backstory (as in the fact that one was a firewood peddler), but it needed more. Perhaps you could have written it from a contemporary angle. In other words, if the story happened today. Or maybe have the story told from one of the people who passed by, then found out later that the man had been cared for by a Samaritan. The key is to look for something that takes the familiar and turns it into something very creative.

Keep honing your skill and rising to the Challenge.

Blessings! Deb (Challenge Coordinator)