Humor
"So, eh, what was Earth like?"
"How come I don't see any wings?"
"You want me to have wings? I guess I
could ask....."
"No! Don't! I'm probably in enough trouble,
as it is. Is that why I'm here? I feel like I've
been called to the principal's office."
"Oh, come on! You know better than to ask me
that! I'm really just here to calm you down.
But, do you remember why you're here?"
"Uh - because I've come home to Jesus, and He's
about to judge all the good things I did on Earth?
Well, does everybody get a calming-down angel?"
"Uh, uh. I don't think so."
"Oh, wonderful. So, I'm like a special case,
or something. Is there any way folks can just
skip this part? I've never been very good at
generalized tests. My SAT scores were always
kind of embarrassing."
"Nope. I'm sorry. But, I do know that one rule.
You're special, but in the same way that everybody
else is, too."
"Yeah. But, not everybody's a basket case, like
me. So, what's your name, anyway? And, don't
tell me you don't have one; we knew of at least
two guys with names."
"Oh, Gabriel and Michael? They're just the
most famous, but all of us have got names.
Mine's Humphrey."
"Humphrey. Humphrey? Well, hi. My name's
Julie. Who named you Humphrey, anyway? Oh."
"It's okay. I like it. It kind of fits me, you know?"
"Well, I guess. But, I thought everybody up here had,
you know, like, really angelic, beautific names. Hey, where's
your harp?"
"My what? Oh. Yeah, that. Neah. I took some lessons, but
I never got the hang of it. You should hear Leticia play; she's
awesome!"
"How come you got a northwest Philly accent?"
"Oh, I do? I guess it's to make you feel more at
home. And, well, I guess, to......."
"Yeah, I know. To calm me down. So, eh. How long is
this going to take?"
"Why? You got somewhere to go?"
"Great. Not only do I have to wait here all day,
but I've got an angel with some Philly sarcasm, too."
"Hey! It's all to....."
"Yeah, yeah. I know. To calm me down. Well,
guess what? It ain't working."
"Great. And, I've got to get an assignment with an
attitude."
"Well, why do we have to wait here all day? What's the holdup?
And, I don't understand what I'm doing here, anyhow.
I thought once you turn Christian, you don't have to go
through all this."
"Turn Christian?"
"Well, you know what I mean. Become one. Become a Christian.
Become a Believer. You know. Seek, um.....Jesus."
"Uh, uh. Everybody's gotta come through here, first. Though,
I have to admit........"
"What? WHAT? Oh, come on! You do know something,
don't you? What, are they trying to decide whether to
keep me here, or something? Now, I'm really nervous."
"Will you calm down? You're going to make me look
bad! You're one of my first assignments, like.......this."
"Like this? What am I? A kosher dill? So, that's
all I am to you, an assignment?"
"Oh, come on. You know what I mean. Just try to put yourself
in my shoes."
"I didn't think angels wore shoes. Most of us thought
you guys didn't even have feet."
"Oy, gah veld."
"Hey! You speak Yiddish? What, did you have to
take some lessons before my assignment? Hey, neat."
"Lessons? No. I just started talking one day.
And, see? I got feet just like you."
"How come they're so dirty, and scratched up?
Don't you guys take baths?"
"Oh, great. Now, you have to get insulting. You know,
you'd think you'd be trying to rack up some points in here.
I mean, not that you need to, or anything."
"Okay! Alright! I'm sorry. Uh, oh. You don't think
this place is bugged, do you?"
"Huh? What's that? No, all the bugs are outside, in the
woods. The bugs don't have to come through this room.
Only people."
"You don't know what I'm talking about. That's okay.
I'm sorry I said that. But honestly, Humphrey, where did you
get your feet so dirty?
"Well, actually, you're right. Most of the other angels usually do
have clean feet. I just spend a lot of time with my dogs,
and cats."
"You guys get to have pets? I didn't know that. Well, when I am going to
get to see mine? So far, this place is a real ripoff. There's
not even a TV, or a computer."
"Well, there's a minifridge in here. You want a coke?"
"Yeah, sure. No, don't get up. I'll get it. You want one?"
"Yeah, but get me a rootbeer. I think there's some TastyKake
cupcakes in there, too."
"Wow! Way to go! Alright! Straight from Philly! Hey,
this isn't too bad! All we need are some tapes of Seinfeld, and
a little TV. Now, I feel like popcorn. The
buttered kind with lots of salt.
But, you guys probably only eat healthy, around here.
"Uh, uh. You're supposed to be thinking, right now. But,
I can make some popcorn. There's some bags on top of
the microwave. Healthy? Forget it. I only
like the real stuff."
"Yeah. Let's make some. But.....thinking? Thinking about what?"
"Well, Julie! That's what this room is for - you're
supposed to be in here, thinking and pondering
about all the good deeds you did on Earth."
"Oy, well, that wouldn't even take us up to the commercial.
Can you go ask if we could have a little TV in here? I don't
want to think; it's really boring for me."
"Julie! No! I'm really serious! Now, here's where's that paper?
I know there's some around here, somewhere. And, here's a pen."
"You mean, I got to write all this stuff down? No way! Uh, uh!
Come on! It's too much! There's like, years and years of stuff!
What, are you guys nuts? I can't even remember what happened,
yesterday!"
"You died."
"Oh. Yeah. I forgot. Oy, vey. Alright. But, all this would be
much easier with my laptop."
"Why? You only have a couple sentences to write! Neah,
just kidding. Well, let's see what I can do. Now, just stay
here. I'll be right back. And, Julie....?"
"What?"
"Don't eat all of the TastyKakes."
(To be continued.)
PLEASE ENCOURAGE AUTHOR BELOW LEAVE COMMENT ON ARTICLE
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Interesting idea, to say the least. I've read this one as well as the next part and still don't know what the Green Room is or the significance of its mention in your title. Which is okay, it does leave a person asking questions and allow you to unfold the story for us. If that is the style you've chosen for this unusual story. I do mean unusual is the good sense, really I do. I like the angels name; it keeps heaven "reachable", tangible but the slant so far seems a satire and again, that may be the style you have chosen for this. I like the colloquial approach; conversational, edgy, and amusing. I do think, however, that "great" was used excessively in Part 1 and I personally thought "oy" may have been too, but this being a Part One,Two and so on its too soon to really say. That would be for you to maintain the cohesiveness of your style; we'll see how you do. So far all I know is that the character has been told to list their good deeds but I still don't know why and that may come out later; but I must say that, although intriguing, it does raise some questions of doctrine that you may want to consider bringing into the story soon. I fear a tremendous headache of a rewrite if you don't or else I really think the transition (this presupposes you add that in the first place) would be more than abrupt, unless there are several more bends in this literary road. This is getting interesting, to be sure. Keep writing, we'll keep reading.
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