Humor
(The author has found herself, a few moments after
death, being kept company by angel - who's supposed to
calm her down, before going before the Judgment Seat.)
**************************************************
"So, what did they say, Humphrey? Can I use a laptop to
write down all of my good deeds, and stuff?"
"They.....?"
"Uh. You know."
"They? Who's they, Julie?"
"Uh. You know. Well, I guess......uh.
You know."
"Uh?"
"Well, um. I guess that you had to ask....
......Him?"
"Didn't you want me to?"
"Well, Humphrey. I didn't think you guys
bothered uh.....uh, Him, about those little things."
"What are little things, Julie?"
"Okay! Okay. Well, can I use one, or not? Why are
you shaking your head?"
"I'm sorry. But, our Lord Jesus said no. You can have as
much paper as you want, though. And, of course,
that big Bible of yours is here. Here, I've got a whole
basket of pens. Or, do you want to use a pencil -
with a big eraser?"
"Very funny! I know exactly what all my good deeds were.
I won't need any erasers! But, I could get this done
faster with my old Dell. Oh, come on. There's got a be an outlet in here; there must be one behind the minifridge."
"No, Julie. I'm sorry. What else do you need besides
some paper, pens, and His Word?"
"Well, a fried bologna sandwich might help And, it really
tastes the best with a lot of ketchup. What do I need
the Bible for? No, I don't mean that, Humphrey. What
I mean is - my life's not going to be in there!"
"It isn't?"
"Well, I appreciate the fact that you guys went to the
trouble of getting that big Bible out of my house. I always liked
the amplified print, although, frankly, I thought I'd have perfect
vision up here."
"That's not for me to say. Yeah, I can make us some
sandwiches. Do you want the turkey or beef bologna?"
"Oh, beef. Please! I still don't understand why I need
to look at Scripture, right now."
"Well, Julie, maybe that's something you should think about.
Here, you start your list; I'll get out the frying pan."
"Why don't you just use the microwave? It'll be faster."
"Some things are better, when they take longer to make."
"Yeah, I guess. Humphrey, I don't want you waiting on me.
Why don't I cook the fried bologna, and you start making up
my list? You're probably much better at these things, anyway."
"But, I didn't live your life, Julie. I mean, I can help you,
and all. I guess that would be okay."
"You guess? Aren't there, like, rules for this kind of stuff?"
"Like I told you earlier, I haven't had this specific assignment before.
Do you like lots of pepper? Butter or margarine in the pan?"
"Butter, of course. And, not too much pepper; just enough.
What's your usual work around here, Humphrey? I mean,
what do you usually do? It must be tough, not being
musically inclined. Don't they make all the angels be, like, in a
choir, or something?"
"Oh, no. All of us each have our own talents. Though, I've been practicing,
a little bit, on my trumpet. You know, for Trumpet Day. Well, let's see.
Most of the time, I help to guard the Eastern Gate. But, then,
I get called out on special assignments, and another angel gets to
hold the Flaming Sword."
"Trumpet Day? Oh, yeah. I've heard about that, since being Christian. That's the Day of the Rapture, when Jesus
comes to Earth again. And, His Church will be called up.
But, what Gate are you talking about? Where's this Gate?"
"You know, the Gate to the Garden. Oh, that's right. You guys
never get to see it. I forgot."
"Wow. You mean, that place still has to be guarded? Why?
What for? How many bad tomatoes are in there, anyway?"
"What tomatoes? Oh, did you want me to cut up some
tomatoes in the pan?"
"Yeah, okay. That sounds good. And, some onions would
help. Do you have the green kind? I forget what they're
called. No! No, I mean that tree, or whatever it was, with the
bad tomatoes on it. You know, Humphrey; that one that got
those guys in so much trouble."
"You mean, the Tree of Good and Evil? You're really
funny, Julie. You know that trees don't grow tomatoes!
Tomatoes grow on vines."
"Humphrey, I didn't even know what a real pig looked
like, until I was almost 30."
"Why? Oh, that's right. Because your folks were Kosher?"
"Huh? No! Because, I grew up in, like, the middle of
the city, and the only pig I saw was that real little one on
Green Acres. I thought tomatoes were something you
got out of a grocery bag. Anyhow, I don't know what all this
has to do with your garden job, Humphrey."
"You mean, my guarding post at the Garden Gate. It didn't
have anything to do with tomatoes, Julie."
"Oy, to be honest, Humphrey, I never really understood that
story, anyway. I don't know how many times I've heard about
it; that story's just never made any sense to me. I mean,
so what, if Eve ate a bad piece of fruit? What, did it,
like, have a nuclear worm in it, or something? Why did God get so
mad at those guys? Don't you think He sort of overreacted?"
"Oy, vey es mir. I better help you with that list of good
deeds, Julie. Just wait til' I come over, with the plates, okay?
Here, have some potato chips. They're your favorite; Ruffles."
"Oh! Gee, thanks! You know, Humphrey, that story just never
did seem to fly with me. And, what happened to those guys,
anyway? Are they here? Do they still talk about it? Whatever
happened to the apple - or tomato, or whatever it was? Is it,
like, in a museum or something?"
"Hm. I really couldn't say. That's a good question., though.
Here, why don't you watch the pan for a minute. I'll go and
ask the Lord about it. He is very patient about answering
all of our questions. I'll just be a sec."
"NO! What, are you nuts, Humphrey? Where are you going?
Get back here! Will you close that door? Don't bother Him! What are you, meshugunah? To be honest, just between you and me......Humphrey, I'd be just a lot happier if the Lord forgot I was even here. This is a pretty comfortable place,
and I like the view of the mountains. It kind of reminds me of
Denver, a long time ago. I could use a cable TV, and my cell. I wonder how that works up here; there must be some
static interference......."
"But, Julie! The Lord Jesus wants to meet you! Oh, this
is the most precious moment of your - life! Oh, no! You're
just to sit here, a few minutes, and think about your good
deeds on Earth!"
"Oy, vey. I'm sure we'll run into each other, at some point.
Don't worry about it, Humphrey. How big is Heaven, anyway?
And, this list......this homework's going to take me awhile. At
least, a few bologna sandwiches worth. I've already crumpled
up a couple of pages, over there. On one, I started writing
down the names of all the kitties I rescued. One the other, I
started a list of every time I let somebody in front of me,
on I10."
(To be continued.)
"
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