Healthy Living

Grieving The Loss of An Absent Father Part 4

by Janice S Ramkissoon 
11/09/23
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Moving Towards Healing For a Broken Heart

Unfortunately, one does not overcome growing up without a father present in one’s life (fatherlessness). We simply learn to live with the consequences, while doing what we can to learn the skills needed to move from just existing to surviving. For those of us who have already mastered the survival skills, it’s about eventually moving from surviving to thriving.

Every child needs to know who they are and a father holds the key to that knowledge. However, when we don’t have a father or a father-figure in the home (one who is present and available physically and emotionally) we are left with damaging consequences that a child has to deal with in adulthood. This recognition found me curious about what was happening to me and the relationships I am attached to. Therefore, I am now digging even deeper into God’s Word to find healing for my wounded soul. I am listening to His servants as they teach on the matter, so I can gain insight and constantly remind myself of the purpose of the cross.

So far, I have utilised the services of a counsellor, attended on-line courses, webinars, seminars as well as listening to sermons and teachings on the topic of forgiveness, relationships, communication and conflict management to gain tools that will help me navigate this season better than I have past seasons of grief. My desire out of this is to eventually be able to better handle conflict.   

Identity 

I am currently reading, ‘Defined, Who God Says You Are’ by Alex and Stephen Kendrick, in order to try and put the pieces of the puzzle together.

I’ve learned that:

“The word identity describes who you are in totality. It’s the real truth about the real you. Since you are not an abstract cloud of nothingness, but rather a definitive, living human being, you already have a specific God-given identity whether you know it, want it or understand it. It is a cornerstone concept in the comprehension and functionality of human existence.”

A father is uniquely placed in a leadership position over his family for such a purpose.

When we don’t know who we are, we go through life direction-less, moving forward without purpose, drifting through life; allowing the wind to take us in any direction. A small percentage of us make it through life limping. To the naked eye we look like we have it altogether, and successfully making it through life. But often, we are in turmoil. Nevertheless, the majority fall into the horrifying statistics we continue to read about or see on our TV screens and in the newspapers and magazines. This is where many young lives are lost.

We won’t be able to make a difference in the lives of all fatherless children who are heading down the path of destruction. However, I strongly believe that we can make a difference to the lives of those wounded soldiers who are trying to father the next generation with nothing or very little in the fatherhood bank.

Fatherless men who are now entering into fatherhood or those who are already fathering their own children, are desperately in need of help, whether or not they know it. History has shown that they are bound to repeat that destructive cycle if they don’t heal from their brokenness. Nevertheless, awareness comes first, then acknowledgement, before they can accept the help needed. After that, space must be given to grieve the loss, then sooner or later acceptance will be next as you progress towards a healed heart.

On that journey you may repeat stages or you may get stuck and need a little help, like I did, to keep moving forward. Then the opportunity will be presented to re-imagine a new way of doing life, as a father, rather than avoiding the responsibilities of fatherhood altogether.

The Church Has The Answer

There is a crisis on our hands -- our fathers are silently crying out for help to lead their families and the church has the answer to the men who sit in the congregations week after week. We are allowing the cycle of fatherlessness to continue, if we choose to turn a blind eye to those needs presented before us. Most of our fathers long to do right by their families but they simply do not have the tools they need in order to help them break that cycle.

We can also make a difference to those who are not yet fathers, but need to heal from their father-wounds so that they can become better at caring for themselves and others, whether or not they become fathers themselves. This kind of soul-wound distorts one’s view of self and of God. If they don’t have the right view both of themselves and of God, they will have a warped view of love and they won’t see anything wrong in abandoning their families.  

A Cry For Help - Request From A Fatherless Daughter

As an adult who grew up without a father, I would like to encourage the healthy fathers out there who have experienced the loving care of a father to first stop and acknowledge that you have been blessed with a loving, caring father who, although imperfect, helped you to have a right view of your heavenly Father and therefore helped to connect you with your heavenly Father. I encourage you also to employ a heart of gratitude for the blessing you have experienced, if you aren’t yet doing so, on a daily basis, by the way you choose to live your life.

Next, I'd like to encourage you to look out for the fatherless among you who are in need of support. Some will need coaching while others will need to be encouraged to know that they are on the right track. Others will be looking to see how you operate as a father as they need to be not just encouraged but motivated and inspired to do what God has called them to do.

Then encourage other healthy men in your circle to do likewise.

Warning

Please do not go in the opposite direction of thinking your children will automatically learn the principles that will help them to continue on the path leading to success. Please be intentional about passing on those positive traits to your sons and daughters. You have had the foundation laid, now build on it so that your children will have a platform from which they can leap. You were blessed to be a blessing to others. Begin by pouring out the love in your home. Discipleship is ongoing. 2 Timothy 2:2 gives us the principle:

“And the things you have heard me say in the presence of many witnesses entrust to reliable people who will also be qualified to teach others.”

Are you willing to help those fathers grow in their role as fathers?

Do you have young men in your life who could benefit from your words of wisdom? That person could be a nephew, the son of a friend, the son of a neighbour or a grandson. Who is it that you have in your life who could benefit from the lessons you learned through raising your own son or through the way you were raised?

If you have a men’s ministry at your church, that’s a great place to start. Share your story, so younger men who are fatherless, can  learn about fatherhood through the lens of the gospel, knowing that even with a bad start, they can indeed finish well.

This is in line with Titus 2:1-2 and 6-8:

“You, however, must teach what is appropriate to sound doctrine. Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love and in endurance.

Similarly, encourage the young men to be self-controlled. In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us.”

Who will say, “Here I am Lord, Send me!”

To invest in the life of a young man is to invest in a future father and a husband who will invest in his family. It is harder for a man to learn the disciplines needed to succeed in life but with God, all things are possible.

To invest in a boy or young man is to invest in a leader who will one day be a father and husband who leads well at home; at work; at church and in society.

When a father is clued up, there will be homes with healthier environments where children and their mothers can thrive. Hence, producing healthier children than we are currently seeing who will become healthier adults who are assets to our communities. As our communities become healthier, we will notice the difference in our classrooms, in our churches, in our places of employment, in our local communities and further afield.

Will you answer the call to go and make disciples?

“..go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age” 

(Matt. 28:19-20).

End of Part 4 | End of Article.
End of 'Grieving the Loss of An Absent Father'
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