Healing

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“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
Proverbs 4:23

 

My heart was broken by earthly fathers long before a man ever broke my heart. My soul has been deeply wounded and the recovery process has been very slow.

 

In 2014, when the person I understood to be my father died, I thought I had closed that chapter of my life. He was never in my life so I’ve been grieving all my life, longing for his love. I never saw him in person or seen a picture of him. In 1984, I began searching for him and eventually found him in 2005. We had a few surface level telephone conversations. I was hearing his voice for the first time since I was born. With no emotional connection and obviously no traction in developing a relationship, the notification of his death was closure to that chapter of my life.

 

Unfortunately, 2022 was on its way with the delivery of some unpleasant news. Although unpleasant, it was the answer to my life long heart’s prayer and my year long verbal utterance of ‘Show me the father’. What was revealed, knocked me back into remission. Eight years after closing that chapter of my life, I learned there was a possibility of someone else being my father.

 

Before the 2022 news, I’ve had individuals coming to me about the possibility of this other man being my father which had me curious but doing nothing about it. Without it coming from the right source it was simply a rumour. That rumour became a thorn in my flesh especially hearing it from one of his offspring whose persistence found me booking a DNA test to remove all doubt.

 

The emotions I experienced, during the season of waiting, were foreign to me. I grew up believing one thing about my identity and now after five decades, I am being told something different. It brought confusion and devastation to my world. Then I gained a better understanding of John 10:10a.

 

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy." 

 

All this was happening while trying to navigate the season of uncertainty with a mother’s ill-health; her hospitalisation; subsequent recurring hospital visits and other life issues within my home and church community. I came to a point of emptiness. I had nothing left to give to those looking to me for answers and having no one but my husband to lean on. It became a strain on the marriage and then the one emotion I could name came to the surface. I could not seem to shift the feeling of sadness.

 

Soon enough I began to blame the man who should have fathered me for the direction my mother took which left me without a mother, a father and having to grow up too soon (dealing with the responsibilities they were meant to be handling). That then put a strain on the relationship I had with my siblings. Watching the direction my younger siblings have taken and the damage that continues to unravel, I became very angry. That anger seeped out into every conversation I had about him or about ineffective leadership.

 

It became a crazy cycle of complaining until I remembered the story of the Israelites complaining to Moses in the wilderness (see Exodus 16). Then I remembered receiving Philippians 2:14-16 just over a decade ago which I memorised and repeated to myself whenever I found myself drifting into another bout of complaints:

 

I became convicted and wanted to make things right with God and others.

 

I didn’t know how to share the news with my relatives, my church family or my friends. How do you honour God in obeying the fifth command in a circumstance where you are in a tailspin, needing guidance but not able to share in depth? How do I ask for prayers? What do I say? Who do I speak to or with? It was a confusing time and it became a very lonely journey, trying to walk through that painful season of my life.

 

When I made the connection that I was drifting far from the peaceful shore I had known, I cried out to God for mercy. Psalm 51 came to mind (a Psalm my grandfather would often ask me to read while growing up). I also remembered the parable of the Pharisee and the Tax collector in Luke 18:9-14 and saw myself as the tax collector crying out: 

 

“…‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’”

 

It took nine months to get confirmation via DNA test and a further nine months to process and begin to release the resentment. I am now longing for the peace that comes as a result of resting in the arms of my Master. He promised never to leave me nor forsake me (Heb. 13:5; Matt. 28:20). I hold dearly to that promise. He has been faithful to me. He has never left me nor forsaken me. I could not count the many times He showed up for me even when I hadn’t recognised He was working on my behalf.

 

It doesn’t look like it to the naked eye, and it doesn’t always feel like it to me, but I know I am on the journey towards healing. I have recognised a change in my thought process as I put into practise Matthew 5:43-48. I am also handling situations much better than before as I am regularly reminding myself of Philippians 4:4-8 and Matthew 11:28.

 

I sometimes feel I am alone on this journey but I know He is with me. He promised to be with me until the very end. So, when I am prompted to speak to an individual or a group of people, I see it as His Spirit leading me to those individuals and trust that each one is sent into my life for a specific reason to help me take the next step on the journey. Other times I get direction as I read His Word or listen to His servants. So, I am convinced that He’s with me as I journey towards healing.

 

I am in the Potter’ Hands. I am going through the fire and I am confident that I will come out pure gold when He’s finished moulding and remaking me. So, if like me, you too are going through the fire today, be encouraged with the words to Israel from the LORD, in Isaiah 43:1-3,

 

“...“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
    I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior…”

 

End of Part 3.

Continue reading the final part of: Grieving the Loss of An Absent Father ~ Part 4

Back to Grieving The Loss of An Absent Father ~ Part 1;

Back to Grieving The Loss of An Absent Father ~ Part 2;

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