Grief

Grieving The Loss of An Absent Father Part 2

by Janice S Ramkissoon 
11/06/23
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“Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world”
(James 1:27).

In June 2023, my family and I watched ‘What Good Dads Do’, a documentary based on the book, ‘Bad Dads of the Bible’ by Roland Warren. As I listened to the men in conversation, I heard the following statement which tugged at my heart-strings:

"I knew how to make a baby but I didn't know how to be a father."

I had a thought:

Is that not the cry of many fathers today?

Should we not have empathy for those fathers?

Yes, we should!

But it is never the child's responsibility to try and figure it out. And that’s where I’ve been getting stuck.

I never felt I had the right to speak about my pain, simply because of the direction in which the finger was being pointed. So, I never did! Until I began raising our son and came face to face with my deficiencies. I then began searching for the missing pieces, only to find they were nowhere to be found. I felt lost and alone. An adult, with the responsibilities of a wife and a mother and no tools in the bag.


As I began to share my pain, I received condemnation for feeling rejected and being abandoned. I would often be told, “The Bible says to honour mother and father.” And some of those conversations would start or end with, “You must forgive...” 

The pain I was feeling was never acknowledged or validated. The parents or leaders behaviour were never challenged or even used as an opportunity to teach. It was never explained to me that what they did was not God’s will for theirs or my life. I was simply chastised and told, God is my heavenly Father or that I should be grateful that I had my grandparents to raise me. It felt as if no one was trying to understand where I was coming from, even though we have an epidemic of wounded souls from fatherless homes.

I was the ‘fatherless’ who needed defending but no one was taking up my cause (Isa.1:17; Ps.82:3) and I didn’t know how to express my inner thoughts in order to get the help I needed. So I began a process of shutting down; trying to hide the pain by not talking about it. That didn’t work for long! What was inside of me needed to be released so I could keep moving forward.

It is not a child’s responsibility to understand why their parents behave the way they do. Yes, I do understand that when we become adults we now have a responsibility to do whatever we can to find healing and restoration, so that we can live a full life (see John 10:10b). It wasn’t our fault that we were brought up in fatherless homes but it is now our responsibility, especially if we have brought children into the world, to find healing for the wounded parts of our lives and begin to experience the fullness of life that Jesus died to give us.

Choosing Education over Isolation

Instead of making sons or daughters responsible (at any age) for trying to figure things out for themselves, I believe that we should be actively learning about and teaching on the topic. So, I began educating myself on the topic and would now like to encourage those who advocate for the fatherless to engage in teaching/training/coaching in order to provide vital tools to help those you are connected to begin a process of grieving and healing, such as:

 1) Injured or wounded adult sons and daughters;

 2) Fathers who have dropped the ball;

(That means that they can get to a place of accepting their responsibilities as fathers once they gain the help necessary to heal from their own brokenness so that they too can live a healthy life and where possible establish or re-establish a healthy relationship with their children or adult sons and daughters); and finally

 3) Fathers who themselves weren’t fathered, to do life as fathers (avoiding the mistakes of their fathers) while pointing them to the only One who can teach them by His Spirit and lead them the rest of the way, in becoming a man; the only One who will be with them 24/7 for the rest of their journey.

With such training in place, I believe I would have made it on the other side of healing a long time ago and would have been at a much healthier place when I learned the truth about my paternity in 2022. Therefore, I strongly believe that with such training available, more people will be given the opportunity to repent and experience God’s mercy. It is not His desire that any of us should perish (2 Peter 3:9).

For the Christ Follower being entangled again in sin (caught in the trap of resentment) such teaching/training/coaching will start the process of healing in those wounded hearts and they too can learn to walk the path of forgiveness, even without an apology and also without experiencing reconciliation or restoration.

This kind of training I speak of is what I believe is part of the ongoing training/discipleship referenced in Matthew 28:20.

“teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you.” 

Lack of Knowledge/Understanding

I didn’t have the knowledge that I was resentful/unforgiving towards my ‘absent father’. Neither did I know that forgiveness could happen without an apology being received. Growth is ongoing and I am a student for life.

I learnt that I was on a crazy cycle when I heard the following:

“You don’t solve a problem by focusing on the problem. You solve the problem by focusing on the solution. Apply it in this context, you don’t solve a sin problem by studying the sin. You solve a sin problem by focusing on and abiding with Jesus. Jesus is the answer.” -- Paul Gotthardt (Pastor, Sherwood Baptist Church).

It made perfect sense to me hearing that focusing on the problem will not bring solution. What good will it do me to simply have the knowledge of the statistics and the consequences attached to being a fatherless child? “We cannot solve a sin problem by studying the sin.” Instead, we must focus on and abide with Jesus and in so doing we will learn the principles that will help us solve the problem.

That teaching was perfectly timed. The soil of my heart was prepared and ready to receive.

“Still other seeds fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown....the seed falling on good soil refers to someone who hears the word and understands it. This is the one who produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown” 

(Matthew 13:8 & 23).

End of Part 2.

Continue reading: Grieving the Loss of An Absent Father ~ Part 3

Back to Part 1 - Grieving The Loss of An Absent Father