Grief

Grieving The Loss of An Absent Father Part 1

by Janice S Ramkissoon 
11/05/23
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‘Grief Hurts: No one can replace a loved one that is gone. It is an emptiness that doesn’t go away.’ - Anon.

Reading that quote, I knew it to be true in my life but never actually reflected on it until my friend shared it as a meme on his Facebook page. As  I reflected upon that quote, the morning of October 13, I realised that it was giving voice to my inner thoughts.  

I didn't share on Facebook as I intended, leading up to Father's Day. I got stuck! As I’m progressing through the stages of grief, I am learning that it does not respect seasons. I got to a place of reflection where I went through a myriad of emotions. I am now at a place of stillness.

It would have been the first Father's Day I knew the truth about my identity and the facts about my paternity. It brought confusion to my world and as a result, I felt the need to be still! I needed to simply rest from it all and allow the grief to run its course.

Dealing with the pain of fatherlessness

Learning the facts about my paternity placed me in a state of shock. The numbness wore off and I was relieved to finally have the answers I sought since childhood.

Afterwards, I became angry! I felt the rejection all over again but it was worse this time. There were emotions I had no name for, I hadn’t felt them before. Eventually, I realised I didn't have the resilience to make it safely to acceptance this time. Neither did I have the tools to engage in the conversations without fuelling the conflict and deepening the wounds that could cause further damage to those relationships.

That was when I knew I needed help. I prayed for guidance and in faith, I reached out to others for the support I needed. First, I brought it to the attention of a small group of praying ladies I belong to. I then brought in two friends who I knew would hold me up in prayer.

Then later I spoke to a select group of men who are church leaders and fathers themselves. I sought their advice and requested their support in prayer. Prior to reaching out to those men, my husband and I utilised the resources and advice received from two months of counselling whilst trying to navigate our way through the chaos.

Acknowledging the Loss

Finally, I acknowledged the fact that I never had an earthly father and I still wish I had. There’s something missing that only the soul understands, when a father is absent. Strangely, although he was absent throughout my entire life, it is the missing pieces of my childhood that are causing the most damage in my adult years.

Instead of only having the normal issues of life to deal with as I care for my own family, I am having to deal with the negative consequences (in my adult years) of not growing up with a father in my life. Those consequences are now affecting the lives of my loved ones and interfering with the development of other relationships.

Losing my maternal grandparents, who raised me, was very painful. Similarly, the losses faced in our marriage continues to ache our hearts. It took many years to accept those losses and start the process of moving on. But nothing could have prepared me for the onslaught of emotions I faced this past year, upon learning the facts about my paternity.

How can someone who has never been in my life cause such a deep wound?

I simply cannot comprehend it! 

Only the soul knows!

Unanswered Questions

My mind churned with questions like: Why now? What made him show up after five decades in hiding? Questions I would like to have the answers to. Or moreso, what kept him in hiding all throughout my childhood, particularly learning that he was aware of my existence?

I was angry to learn that He was there all along hidden in plain sight. He was able to watch me growing up, knowing I was his child. He never made himself known to me, even when he had the opportunity to do so when I was over the threshold of childhood. As an adult, he no longer needed the permission of my mother or any other, so why remain in hiding?

I wanted to know the answers to those questions and much more but later I came to the knowledge that it really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. I cannot turn back the clock and have my father speak life into me; train me up in the way I should go; celebrate my wins throughout life and comforting me when I needed to be comforted.

Accepting Reality And Letting Go of What Could Have Been

The man who contributed to my conception, had a responsibility to father me but he cannot go back and travel through 0-18 years of my life where the foundational building blocks of my life can be put in place. He cannot go back to the missing decade between arriving at the door of adulthood (providing the covering I needed) and becoming a wife.

He cannot go back to 1999 and ensure my fiancé was a man of integrity--one of valour, worthy of his daughter’s hand in marriage. Neither can he go back to the third month of the year 2000 and walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. He cannot replay the years of my son’s childhood in order to play a vital role in his upbringing as a grandfather. Those are all needs that weren’t met and dreams that have died. They are reasons to grieve.

Nevertheless, he cannot turn back the clock and begin to train me up in the way I should go. So all I can do is seek the help I need in order to heal from the trauma of abandonment and embrace the life of abundance (John 10:10) that Jesus came to give to me.

It took nine months for me to process the DNA test results and release the resentment held towards an absent father. I can now see the next step that I need to take.

James 5:16 says: “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.”

End of Part 1 

Continue reading part 2 - Grieving The Loss of An Absent Father