The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 676 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
01/29/15
Great story!

Well done and on topic 100%!

God bless~
02/01/15
Excellent concept and well written, with convincing detail that creates an emotional response in the reader.
A lot of thought had to go into writing this piece.

I would not be able to think of all the bits and pieces it would take to make it all fit together.
02/04/15
this is quite a piece!!!! Great job. So intricate, and yet perfectly engaging.
This is a great take on the topic. It almost felt like it could be yanked right out of the headlines of any newspaper. I think your out-of-the-box approach on the message is a profound one indeed. You definitely nailed the topic and made the reader stop and think.

I did notice quite a few minor punctuation errors that made me stumble and stop and reread. If you don't have a good proofreader, I can give you some great online sources. For example, this sentence needed hyphens to make it flow seamlessly. We promised to provide each family with a two-thousand-square-foot property in a new, modern development. (I switched it around to make it an active one instead of a passive sentence too.)
The other advice I might offer would be to add dialog or even thoughts to help develop your character or create a picture for your reader. For example, I might start off with something like this. Looking out over the valley, I snorted and rubbed my hands together. Greedy fools. They haven't a clue what we did to them. Each family supposedly received a brand-new, spiffy house in a modern development.

I took some liberties with your MC to emphasize my point. It's so important to have a great hook and using body language and dialog is a great way to grab the reader.

I think you did a fine job with this piece. I like how you take the reader on a ride. At first, it seems the development is a good thing, but then you show what greed can do. It's so sad that the love of money ruins so many people. I get the sense that deep down your MC is a good guy who got caught up with wanting more. I believe it's something we can all relate to and, perhaps, even see in ourselves now and then.

If you haven't participated in Jan's Writing Basics on the message boards, I'd really urge you to do so. It's great for all levels of readers and she has some great lessons.

Congratulations on ranking 5th in your level. This is a highly competitive group and you did a great job. Happy Dance!
02/07/15
Congratulations on your high commendation! Definitely a lot of thought in this piece.