Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Salt and Pepper (07/24/14)
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TITLE: Not Yet | Previous Challenge Entry
By Veronica Winley
07/30/14 -
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His hair was a gleaming white, full and thick while, unfairly it seemed, her scalp could be seen shining in pink patches through her sparse grey strands. It was unseasonably warm yet each had on a sweater and he carried an umbrella under his arm. Occasionally he would poke someone accidentally with it and when he turned around to apologize, he would swat someone else.
Almost everyone nodded and waved it off.
The bazaar was a fascinating place, as bazaars generally are and you can enjoy yourself strolling around without buying a thing. Sellers knew this and took pride in convincing a window shopper to purchase some heretofore unneeded trinket, clothing or savory morsel.
The Biddendorfs - the elderly couple - actually had a destination, one booth they visited every week on Wednesday; a spice shop. Even if one had no interest in the culinary benefits of spices, the rainbow colors in the displayed jars arrested the eye. The owner of the shop was something of a showman and he actually looked for the Biddendorfs.
On Wednesdays he concocted a fantastic dish using some of his most exotic wares. Sometimes it was a familiar dish with a different twist, like saffron gumbo or dirty rice seasoned with kala jeera. At other times his creations were drawn from his imagination, such as spaetzle in a sumac and Gouda sauce.
With the tantalizing smells wafting through the bazaar, a crowd usually formed around his booth, as he stirred a pinch of golden this or a spoonful of bright orange that into a pot which was perched on top of a two burner gas stove. As he mixed, he called out the spices he was using. When he finished, the audience was invited to taste. Wednesday was his biggest sales day.
Folks usually made way for the Biddendorfs, smiling fondly as they politely but inexorably made their way to the front. There, they would nod and smile, looking with bright eyes at the amazing array of colors in the glass jars. At tasting time, the seller would almost ceremoniously give them the first small cups, and then he would invite the rest of the audience to join them. The Biddendorfs would look at each other, eyebrows raised, as they daintily ate.
With the soft murmurs of appreciation all around them, one would then say, loud enough to be heard “Needs salt!” The other would nod in agreement and add “You’re right. And a little black pepper wouldn’t hurt either!”
Usually total silence greeted these pronouncements and a mock look of indignation would spread across the seller’s face. However with a sigh of feigned disgust, he always reached behind him and grabbed over-sized salt and pepper shakers and dashed some of each into the pot. Then he would look at the waiting couple and say, “Satisfied?” Newcomers to the demonstration were puzzled by the interchange and some looked on in a little embarrassment however all loved the theater of it.
Today the routine went on as usual, with the owner making some chicken soup seasoned with allspice and thyme. After all the tasting and extra seasoning of salt and pepper, he asked the old couple if it was now as it should be. Mrs. Biddendorf shook her head and reached into the capacious knitted bag dangling from her arm. “Not yet,” she said as she pulled out a large wooden spoon with a well worn handle. She gave it a kiss and then handed it to the seller. “If you’re going to use my recipes, you might as well use my utensils and methods too.” They then turned and shuffled away.
The seller gave a huge grin and stirred the soup once more with the wooden spoon. “Thanks Ma,” he called to the retreating couple. “I forgot.”
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In a couple places where there are longer sentences, maybe adding some commas might help the reader not get mixed up. But that could also be just me. :)
I loved your word pictures. I could see everything vividly, yet it flowed smoothly because you never bombarded me with jawbreaking words (which I tend to do to my own poor readers, far too often...ha ha).
I am eager to read more of your pieces.
You did it. Story telling (writing) may be your "salt and pepper".
Great story.
It warmed my heart as you so wonderfully painted your story with words that helped me see. Super!
God bless.
This is a winner in my book!
One thing you need to be careful of, and it's a difficult thing to do, is watch out for POV shifts. You started the story from the POV of the impatient young man, then you switched to showing from others in general, then for a bit from the couple's POV, then once again to the owner of the stall. That can be discerning for the reader. Instead, try to pick one character and remember that the reader can only know, see, or hear what the MC knows, sees, or hears. I'd have told the story from the old woman's POV. For example: The little old lady noticed the young man scowling as he elbowed his way through the crowd. Gently, she tugged her husband's arm and made room for the youngster to charge past.
That's just an example of how to show the pressing crowd through the MC's eyes. She can't know what the boy is thinking, but seeing his scowl and the way he is elbowing his way through the crowd shows both her and the reader that he is impatient.
I loved the ending. Often, that is the most difficult part, but you nailed it. I love it when I don't see a twist coming as it doesn't happen often. You also nailed the topic. This story delighted me and left me with a warm happy feeling. It's one of my favorites this week.
God BLess~
God BLess~
I really enjoyed your story and congratulations.