Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Persuasion (not about the book) (09/01/11)
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TITLE: He'd search each night | Previous Challenge Entry
By Belinda Borradaile
09/06/11 -
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When the great wall was built he moved to higher land, along with his tribe, to remain in safety from the curse his god would deliver on the intruders that disturbed the peaceful existence he had grown accustomed to since childhood.
As the great wall grew, the flood came, hampering the progress with many of the intruders’ men loosing life. Jamu trusted his elders knowing smiles as they foretold the destruction of the wall to drive the intruders away from the tribal land.
For centuries the Tonga people lived in solitary harmony with the land and the god of the river ‘Nyaminyami’ who they trusted to provide for their needs. When the great wall, ‘The kariva’ (trap), known today as ‘Kariba’, was built it separated ‘Nyaminyami’, the god with the head of a fish and a snakes torso, from his spirit wife, each on opposite sides of ‘The Kariva’.
‘Nyaminyami’ will break through the trap and reach his wife, sending the intruders fleeing, and the Tonga peoples lifestyle back to its previous tranquillity…
Each night Javu, leaves his beloveds side in honour of his god, wades into the crocodile infested waters, the petrified trees left by the construction of the lake his only protection, seeking ‘Nyaminyami’, offering himself as a sacrifice to return his tribes land to them…
The moonlight covers his sadness, reflecting the night, distorting his vision, corrupting his perception, distilling his persuasion.
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Based on the legend of the ‘Nyaminyami’ god of the ‘Ba Tonga’ people of Zimbabwe.
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Be careful about wordy, long sentences. You have a few in here that could be broken down into several shorter sentences, which makes it easier to understand and read.
Good job. Keep writing.