Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Mother (as in maternal parent) (04/24/08)
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TITLE: See you soon Mom | Previous Challenge Entry
By Becky Depp
04/25/08 -
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“I’m blessed, but I’m worried Keona…” she looked deep into my eyes. “I’m just worried about you, you’ve stopped coming to church and I’d really like to see you come back again.” Her eyes didn’t budge from my fiery gaze. She could tell I was getting angry.
“Mother, I just don’t need church or religion. You’ve always tried to get me to believe the same as you but I don’t care, I think it is the least of my worries.” I shrugged off mom’s attempts to lure me back to her beliefs.
“Lailani doesn’t think so, she goes to church and she has surrendered to the Lord, something I pray for everyday for you girls and your father…”
“Well I am not Lailani, mother” I interrupted her and stood up, I felt like steam was coming from my ears. “I don’t need religion, I don’t need God and I don’t need you, Malia.” I grabbed my things and left as fast as I could. I walked down to the beach where I saw the Hawaiian locals and the tourists having a great time.
I don’t know why mom has to always push her beliefs on me. I don’t believe the same that she does. I suppose I do believe in God I just don’t believe that it’s important to pursue anything or go any deeper than that, its not important. My thoughts plagued me as I watched two little girls play on the beach. I smiled as they ran around trying to catch each other.
I remember when Lailani and I used to do that on this beach, mom would be sitting on a towel nearby reading her Bible and Lailani and I would try to build a sand castle. We never could build one. I usually got too frustrated and knocked it down before we had any chance to get it anywhere. I suppose I’m like that with everything, I just did that with mom, I knocked her down before she had any chance to get anywhere.
I looked at my watch and saw that mom would be leaving in a couple of minutes to go to church. If I hurry maybe I can catch her before she leaves. I thought as I stood up and started walking towards mom’s house. When I got there, I could see my good friend, Kale. He was on the phone pacing in the front yard.
“Hey, Kale!” I waved to him. He suddenly hung up and ran over to me. “I’ve been calling every where for you.” He said breathing heavy. “Your mom was taken to the hospital, she’s had a heart attack” Tears threatened my eyes and without a word, I climbed into my mom’s car.
I can’t believe this is happening. Mom has to be Ok, she just has to be! Oh God, I’m so sorry! I’m sorry I screamed at my mom, I’m sorry I said I didn’t need you or my mom. I need you both. I’m not ready to lose my mom yet Lord. Please. I’m nothing without you, I know that. I don’t know why I built up a resistance to your love, Lord but I’m sorry. I need you and I pray that you would be with my mom. I’m sorry for everything Lord, I’m sorry for my sins and I know I don’t deserve it but please forgive me! I will live my life for you, and I will be yours, even if my mom isn’t ok God, because I know that I need you forever…no matter what. I pulled into a parking spot at the hospital and wiped away a few stray tears. I rushed into the hospital and the first face that greeted me was Lailani’s.
“Lailani, Is she ok?” I waited for her to give me an answer. I couldn’t believe what she said.
“God has taken her home, Keona.” She hugged me tightly and we cried together.
Keona cleared her throat, “I know that someday I will be in Heaven with my Lord and Savior and I know I will see my mom again. But, in the meantime, I’m going to live my life for my Savior and praise Him daily” she stepped back, with one big swoop the pastor pushed her under the water and brought her back up. She came up to find crying faces looking back at her.
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However, I was a bit confused at the end, too, with the fact that the story is told in the first person until the last paragraph when it switches to third person.
Overall, very nicely told. :)
I liked the ending with the baptism. It was a nice touch. Thank you for sharing this. :)
I got confused at the last paragraph--you switched to 3rd person to 1st, and there was no transition to the baptism scene. A little bit of editing is in order, perhaps?
Nice, hopeful ending--well done.
I agree with the others about the transition at the end.
Your storytelling is quite good.
Laury