The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
10/23/14
Wow - You guys are all so good with this topic, and this was right up there with the best. Well done! I am not a reader of Sci-Fi, but can tell that this was of that genre for sure, and told real well.

Thanks!

God bless~
Wow! You brought me into another world.
Well crafted and a delight to read. Definitely on topic.
10/26/14
Wow! This is a wonderful and rich story! I love the tension that builds throughout, and the wonderful allegory it contains. For me it was a picture of the devil and his minions pursuing us, as well as the condemnation of the broken Law - until at last we are backed into a small dark place where we much reach out and trust the Savior, who transforms all the darkness into flight and a new life...this story really is a great one - well done!!
Great job! Very strong imagery and cool story! I'd want to read a book about that if you wrote it. :)
10/30/14
Congrats!

God bless~
This is stunning. You did an amazing job of creating vivid pictures. I loved the "salsa" verbs like singed and thrumming. They are perfect in showing the reader what the MC is experiencing.

I have some minor red ink. It's strictly a matter of choice, but I personally would have liked a tad less description of details like the sky colors or shape of trapdoor and more action and perhaps a slightly sooner explanation of the conflict. The other thing I noticed is in the first paragraph, you started three sentences in a row with She or Her. Rearranging the sentence structure a tad can create hills and valleys for the reader. For example, you could switch it up by doing something little like this: Not wanting to die, she stumbled onward in a tight spiral. After tripping over her long skirt, bruising knees and shins, and stubbing toes, she grabbed hold of the narrow railing and pulled herself upwards. (It also could help tighten it up some, giving you even more words for your terrific story.)

You did a spectacular job of developing your MC. I could totally relate to her because I grew up as a redhead back in the day before people spent an outrageous amount of money to dye hair that color. Everyone can relate to feeling different these days, and I loved how she embraced her true self in the end. The ending was spectacular. I didn't notice the title at first, and thought maybe it would have given the ending away. However, after thinking about it, I realized how brilliant it was because it means running away as well as flying. You nailed the genre and wrote like a pro, doing an outstanding job for any story, let alone your first challenge entry. I can't wait to read more of your work.

Congratulations on ranking 2nd in your level and 18 overall! The highest rankings can be found on the message boards.