Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS (Don't write about the song) (04/16/15)
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TITLE: Emmy | Previous Challenge Entry
By Ashley Rowland
04/23/15 -
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I massaged my brow where a headache was starting to bloom. “Almost. Please use your inside voice.”
“Okay. Can I bring Lucy? She told me she’s always wanted to go on a picnic.”
“No, well,” I hesitated. The doll would be one more thing, but this wasn’t just any doll. It was Emmy’s most treasured possession – received just two months before both our lives changed forever. “Yes, Lucy can go. But you keep a close eye on her.”
“I will,” Emmy said and nodded, making her blond curls cover one side of her face.
I pinned her curls away from her face with a colorful clip. “Grab the afghan from the couch, would you? I’ll finish packing the cooler.”
“Sure.” She bolted around the corner.
I shook my head. When I finished packing the cooler, I called Emmy. No answer.
“Emmy,” I called louder and huffed.
I walked to the living room where I spied my daughter sitting on the couch, playing with Lucy. “Emmy, I told you to get the blanket so we can leave.”
“Oh, yeah.” She hopped up, clutched the doll and blanket, and skipped to the kitchen. “Is it time to go now?”
*****
As I drove to the park, I tuned out Emmy’s music and her attempts to sing along with it. My thoughts turned to my husband. We were supposed to raise Emmy together, Jason. Have one or two more. Now I’m raising Emmy alone. I don’t know that I can do this without you.
Screeching tires jarred me. I slammed on the brakes, sliding to a stop. I couldn’t see the bumper of the car ahead. No contact. Oh, no. I checked my mirror. But that car was already stopped.
Releasing my death grip on the steering wheel, I turned to Emmy. “Are you okay?”
She slowly nodded, her daddy’s green eyes peering out from rounded eyes. I turned back around, but traffic had not moved.
*****
“Look, Mommy! A puppy,” Emmy, said.
I glanced up from the trunk and exclaimed, “Emmy, stop.”
Emmy, with Lucy under one arm, dashed toward an adult German Sheppard. Dropping everything in a pile, I raced to reach her. She reached out to touch the dog’s tail. I caught her arm, and carried her back to our Camry. “We have to ask permission to pet another person’s animal. Not all animals want to be touched.”
“Can I pet that one?”
“No.” Emmy’s shoulders slumped. “We need to eat, and you didn’t wait at the car with me when we got out. We’ve talked about that. Now help me with this stuff – think you can carry this bag?”
“Sure. I’m a big girl.”
We got our picnic set up. Emmy seemed to enjoy her meal, although she was more curious about everything around us. “Mommy, what are they throwing?” “What are they wearing on their feet – they’re gliding?” “Can I pet that puppy?”
“If its owner doesn’t mind.” We got up and approached a girl with a yellow Labrador attached to a leather leash.
“Can I pet your puppy?”
“Sure. Max loves attention.”
Emmy giggled and hugged Max.
“Thank you,” I said to the girl.
“No prob…”
A rumble echoed across the sky. I looked up. The sky had turned an ominous shade of grey blue. Lightning raced to the ground during my perusal. “Come on, Emmy. We’ve got to go. Now.” I took Emmy’s hand and looked to the girl. “Thanks again.”
We raced to pack up, but jumped when the sky erupted with thunder. “Just leave the rest.” Running to the car, the torrent started.
*****
That night as I got ready for bed, the day replayed over in my mind. What a horrible day. Nothing had gone according to plan. But then, it fit with the rest of my life since Jason died.
A sound came from Emmy’s room. She was supposed to have been asleep. Lord, I can’t handle anything else. I heard her talking as I approached the door. Peeking around the doorframe, she was huddled by her bed – little hands folded against her forehead.
“God, thanks for the picnic. I’m glad I pet a puppy that liked to be touched. Running with Mommy was fun. Please tell Daddy that I love him.” Emmy stood up and climbed into bed.
I walked into the room, pulled the covers up, and kissed her. “I love you, Sweetheart. You are such a special blessing from God.”
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Thanks!
God bless~
There was one point where the order of the sentences confused me just a little:
"“No.” Emmy’s shoulders slumped. “We need to eat, and you didn’t wait at the car with me when we got out...”"
Having "Emmy's shoulders slumped" between the mother's words "No" and "We need to eat...", on first reading, made it look like Emmy's line. Perhaps dividing it would help it be more clear. For instance:
"“Can I pet that one?”
“No.” (This line would work fine on its own.)
Emmy’s shoulders slumped. I patted her. “We need to eat...”"
For this example, I added an action for the mother, to come between Emmy's action and the mother's line. To make sure the reader knows who is speaking.
Anyway, I'm rambling. That was a minor point, and I really enjoyed your story. Emmy's little-girl busyness was so vivid. I could see your word pictures clearly.
God bless~
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