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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Bon Voyage (09/05/05)
“Is this seat taken?” the old man asked, in his deep scratchy voice. No answer, the seat was fair game.

The whistle blew, the train rolled down the tracks cutting off the last good buys. Steadily swaying faster, the sound and rhythm dulled the voices to quiet whispers. Night was almost upon them. The old man didn’t move, neither did the young boy. Both were tired, yet for different reasons. Engulfed in darkness, sleep took captives.

“Wake up Lad, I’d let you sleep but I’d like to straighten myself for the day.” The young boy, half embarrassed by the sound sleep the old man’s shoulder demanded, didn’t say a word. He was already tired of the conversation he wished had never started. Like a broken old wheel barrel, the old man stood up and drifted down the isle toward the line blocking the restroom door.

The sun filtered in as it crept over the mountains lighting the car full of people and painting the valleys with pastel colors of every kind. It was indeed pretty country, though the young boy felt the loneliness robbed him of the present joy. The old man sauntered back down the isle towards his seat, winking and nodding at any who would entertain him, luring the eyes with his pin stripe suit. Clouded with familiar cologne, he drop back into place as if forever, even the deep sigh was soothingly comforting.

“Well, we’re almost arrived lad, bout twenty minutes left, just enough to converse hey?” Great, put on the spot, he almost made it without having to talk to the old man but some how old age and treachery won out. “Suppose.” “What takes ya back to the coast Lad?” “Home.” “And where from” “I got on the same train as you did.” Ignoring the boy’s attempts to cut off all ties, the old man skillfully redeeming the time said, “ Listen Lad, don’t know what yer problem is, but you are missin’ precious moments of this precious life, it doesn’t last too long ya know.” “Yah, I do know, I’m sorry mister, I just was with my family burying my granpappy, we were close, you know the rest.” “Ah, been there Lad, did you wish him fare well, bon voyage, God speed?” “ The stone face started to break up as a lone tear rolled down his cheek. “yah, he didn’t seem like he cared though, as if it wasn’t real. Like all that church helped him.” “Knew Jesus did he?” Masterfully the old man found the bitter waters, “Yep, bon voyage is all ya had to say if he knew Jesus Lad.”

Without considering confusion, the young boy retreated to the line in front of the restrooms. The train would stop soon, the spitefulness the old man wrought felt comfortable.

Stepping toward the crowd the whistle blew, his train departing while another arrived. As the boy waited for his train he followed the crowd out of curiosity. Finally seeing the source of commotion and emotion the boy was startled. A casket was lifted on the train as some cried others smiled, even a small laugh broke through the mournful air. Not allowing time for thought, the scene processed it’s self through the young boy’s mind. “Who is this?” the young boy asked. “That is Pastor Charles McAllister! Where have yah been?” the tall man said, patiently smiling at the boy. He spoke as if he was related to the deceased and at the same time as if the deceased was the Queen herself. Surprised that the man heard him, he stood and stared. “Another one gone, more lonely grandchildren I suppose,” he contemplated quietly.

The train pulled away at the command of the long whistle, soon the station would be empty and the wait eternal. As the last car passed, there on the other side of the tracks was a poster with a picture and inscription, “We love you and will miss you for a short time Pastor Charles.” The boy’s hair stood up and eyes got big as he gazed at the face in the picture. Dropping his bags the young man broke into a sprint after the train with all he had. An ocean of tears fell from his eyes as he waved his arms screaming passionately with all his cracked voice could muster, “BON VOYAGE, BON VOYAGE, GOD SPEED TO YOU MISTER, VON BOYAGE.” Slowly the sobbing echo trailed off, Bon voyage, bon voyage.
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Member Comments
Member
Date
B Brenton
09/13/05
I see it was meant to be heartwrenching and all that stuff and it was a nice little ending. But I got lost in all the midst of it. You just kept saying "Lad" over and over and I tuned out. I tried to read this three times, I really did. But my computer shows up chinese characters for all the punctuation marks and it just couldn't hold my interest. Maybe wrap it up a little faster next time? Make it short and sweet?
Sorry I can't be of more help!
Jan Ackerson
09/13/05
I think you will improve readability if you separate your lines of dialog. A common spelling error: isle / aisle. A nice, cross-generational tale.
sandra snider
09/15/05
good buys should be goodbyes. I read this twice and for some reason, I'm not getting it. I was left confused at the ending.
Deborah Porter 
09/21/05
William, I understood the point of your story very easily, but you definitely do need some help with editing. Perhaps it would help to post something like this in the Critique Circle, where you hopefully may receive some more indepth feedback. There are simple things, like the "good buys" for "goodbyes" and "isles" for "aisles." Unfortunately the spell checker won't pick those up, because they are legitimate words. That's where a bit of editing help will make a big difference.

Also, watch for the places where you leave "ed" off the end of some words, eg, "he drop back into place as if forever" That "drop" should be "dropped."

The other thing is the dialogue. Always start a new paragraph every time the person speaking changes. Otherwise it's just a huge jumble and very hard for the reader to follow.

Anyway William, I hope you won't be discouraged. You have the imagination and I think you have the makings of a good story teller. You just need a bit of polish now to make those things shine. With love, Deb (Challenge Coordinator)