The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
09/19/05
Your characters are realistic and well-written. Put spaces between paragraphs, and use transitional phrases rather than the horizontal lines to indicate the passage of time. Nice ending to this story.
09/20/05
Very cute story! A minor thing: clarify that she's leaving the bedroom and going into the bathroom. I thought she was going out into the hall, and the bathtub out there confused me. :)
09/22/05
Story line good. A few missing words and run on sentences. Great effort. Keep it up!
09/22/05
It was a very good story. Work on your grammar and sentence structure abit and you will do great!I personally think the hardest part of writing is finding the idea, and you had that, then comes the fine tuning of the actual writing of it. And we ALL struggle there!:)
09/22/05
This was very funny. Sounds like something my kids would do. It is a great story!:)
sounds like a couple of juvenile delinquents to me; but the story was good.
09/23/05
Oh wow - that was awesome :) I can just see it now lol
I agree that they sound like juvenile delinquents but that it's a well-told story. Rather than breaking up the story, you could use a few phrases to show time passing. For example, when Marietta leaves and slams the door, you could try:
"Tom and Kat stared at one another.
'Wow, mom's really ...' "
And then:
"As the water ran into the bath, Marietta found herself praying.
'Lord, please help me to be strong, to handle this trip. We just got here and already I feel like I'm falling apart...' "
Just a thought. Keep writing.
10/07/05
Yikes ... that's one creative way to be good Christians! A fun story, well-told. Good work!