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"We are not a chain!" "What?" Was my reply. "We are not a chain!" He continued. "We're a thread, ok maybe a string but not a rope and certainly not a CHAIN!" Those were the words that came out of my nine year old son as his eyes glared at me and anger shook his body. I asked him what he was talking about. His response was not only going to change the rest of my life but it was to punch me in the stomach and leave its mark there forever.
"Our Family!" Was the answer.
The months prior to this outburst both my husband and I had been traveling a lot. Thinking back to it I believe we were all together a total of nine days that Summer. A friend once said ministry is a harlot and it will come and rob, steal and destroy in the name of all that is good. Well, that Summer was its attempt on my family.
I stood and looked at my first born.
I remembered a moment standing in front of a crowd, of around 150 people, introducing the conference that was just beginning. It was seven o'clock in the evening, bedtime, as I looked at the people's faces my thoughts drifted off to the four children that were headed to bed. I could hear myself speaking and sharing introductions and information but my heart was someplace else. In that moment I had realized that even if these people liked me, even if they learned from me, even if the Lord used me in their lives that weekend that time would pass and most of what I said if not all would be forgotten. But many miles from where the podium stood there were four children resting their heads on pillows dozing off to sleep.
It was in that moment that I realized I would have a far greater impact on those four children (today there is six of them) than any other human being. My son's words were the exclamation point on that decision. I stepped back from everything.
As time passed my son shared with me how in that season of life, he was counting his time until he would turn 18, where upon he was going to leave our family and never look back. He hasn't exactly ever come back and said to me that our family is a chain however his actions speak louder than any words. At almost 15 he comes and sits and shares his heart and spends time with his father and I. And what about me? What about all I did before? Well, I did go through quite the identity struggle realizing in serving the Lord I had served my ego. I had enjoyed the moments in the spotlight, the conferences, teaching, etc, etc, etc..... But as I look back I know so very deep within me that I made the choice for life and family and the harlot was put to rest.
Except for one thing.... the punch in the stomach..... the mark left there... the memories of what my choices were and how they affected that very sweet nine year old boy live within my heart and still to this day as a thorn in the flesh cause my heart to ache.... cause my soul to say Ow!
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