The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
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Date
12/13/07
A thoughtful message with a good intro, concise train of thought throughout, and a satisfying conclusion. I would suggest dividing it into more paragraphs, each paragraph having one central thought.
12/15/07
This is a good story, showing the confusion of many. If you break your paragraphs between each speaker and change of thought, it is easier to read.
12/16/07
You made some very good points here, and disguised them as a story! Good job.

I echo the suggestions above, and would add a suggestion to work on adding little sensory details so that your story is more "showing" and less "telling."

I like the fact that the women's consciousness was prickled by their first conversation.
12/16/07
Ditto on breaking it up into paragraphs. Each new speaker needs her own paragraph so that the flow of conversation is easier to follow. Good message. Very realistic scenario - I think I've been in this conversation. ;-) Keep writing.
12/21/07
Congratulations, Nicole, on placing 15th in your level. Great job!