The Official Writing Challenge
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09/23/07
This was really good. I enjoyed it.

I noticed a couple typos, but nothing major. I also had to re-read the first paragraph after I read the end, because it was a bit confusing at first, but it made sense on the 2nd read. :)

Great job. I think this could be expanded a bit too. Keep writing!
Great story! I think most people can relate to it. Maybe we weren't physically beat up in school but we were emotionally beat up and we don't want to face those 'bullys' and we certainly don't want to think that they could have changed over all these years. Well done.
I've never been in an actual physical fray, but I can wholly relate to the desire for distancing from a pain-inflictor. You conveyed these emotions very well. Good job.
09/24/07
Your descriptions, particularly in the beginning, are quite vivid. I could definitely see what you were seeing.

Some of your sentences felt a bit on the long side - shortening them might make this an easier read.

Very engaging!
09/25/07
Bullying is not a mere childhood rite of passage many think it is. The pain and humiliation can last long into the future. I like the forgiveness angle you wrote into your story. You kept my attention from beginning to end.
09/26/07
This is a really good story.

A little tweaking with some punctuation would really tighten up your writing.

You write well, and your creativity is good.
09/26/07
The opening line was great - good attention getter. The reactions and emotions and thoughts of the MC were very natural, and the bit of humor thrown made it fun to read. Some punctuation work would help with the flow, and "coincident" should be "coincidence". I'm not sure the last line "let alone on a cross" works so well, even we all know what it means. It seemed to me it didn't quite fit somehow. Hope this is the kind of feedback you're looking for. like your writing, and the story was a great read. :) Cat
Your writing is very good and show much potential. I'm impressed.

You asked for suggestions, so here goes:

I liked your humor and your descriptions. Very vivid. I liked the phrase about "looking constipated rather than puzzled." Funny.

I thought it too much of a coincidence that she was daydreaming about the fight in high school and then minutes later...there her attacker was. Perhaps the MC could spot her with out being seen and then remember the fight. You could write some funny things about trying NOT to be spotted (hiding behind a magazine, etc.).

I thought the second paragraph was awkward. I liked the idea of being frustrated at picking the slow line, etc. This was good, it just needed to be tightened up some.

Overall, very good. Keep asking for feedback. It's helped me lots. I weigh every suggestion. I don't apply them all, but I appreciate them all.
09/26/07
Good job with some vivid descriptions. You had me there with you.

As for critique - I also suggest shorter sentences. An example is, "I can’t quite remember when I scraped my shoulder, but it was a deep, angry wound that took forever to heal and eventually left a scar the size of a silver dollar." That could be broken down into 3-4 more powerful sentences.

The beginning paragraph and the last line were also somewhat disjointed to me.

Great job overall, it was an enjoyable read. Keep writing!
10/01/07
Congratulations, Ebony. Your entry has placed 12th in Level 1. The Lists for the Top 15 in each Level and the Top 40 overall are available in the Weekly Results and Highest Rankings forum of our Faithwriters Message Boards.