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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Confused (08/16/07)
Her 10 year old sister walked into the office.

“Rumbi, what are you doing here?” She asked, surprised to see her all the way in Marlborough. That was a long way away from Tyndale, which is where her siblings had been living for the past six months.

“We came with dad, he is downstairs in the car, he said to ask for your house keys.” She appeared a bit uncertain.
“My keys..?” Sandi was confused. She had moved into her room almost six months ago after having ‘run’ away from home. It was just a tiny room – and until today no-one had ever come to see her.

“Yes, uncle chased us away from his home; he took us to dad’s office and left us there. He said it is time dad looked after his kids. “She avoided looking at her older sister and shuffled her feet as she spoke.

“Where are the kids?” Sandi’s heart was beating a bit fast. She thought of her young brothers who were 7 and 5 years old respectively. At the same time she felt this rage and anger at her uncle for making them go through such an ordeal.

“Ok, here they are” as she handed Rumbi the keys. “My address is 49 Princess Margaret Road. I live in the cottage at the back of the house. It is the room at the end of the cottage. I will see you later” she turned to answer the phone.

Rumbi took the keys and ran back downstairs. Remembering something, Sandi put the call through to her boss and ran after her little sister. “Hey Rumbi?”
Rumbi stopped, her little shoulders drooped. “What about Munya? I can’t take him in, it’s a small room and he is 16 years old, it would be awkward to live in the same room with him. Tell dad to find him somewhere else to stay ok! And don’t worry, I know this all very confusing, but we will be alright – okay?” she hugged her little sister.

Feeling a bit unsettled and overwhelmed, Sandi went into the bathroom and started praying. “Father God, I don’t know what is happening. I feel so scared, worried and confused; I don’t understand how this could be happening. Please give us the strength to live through this. Give me the strength to be a good mom. I know I’m only 18 but I can do it. Thank you Jesus for my own place. You have looked after me and provided for me every step of the way – now I am asking you to come through for us again. Please Jesus. Just take the confusion away. Thank you Jesus- Amen” wiping the tears away, she stood in the tiny stall, with her head down, and her hands clasped together. “Mama” she whispered, “Look at what your brothers are doing...”

At home - her siblings were all huddled together, looking lost and sad and confused. Putting her bag down she said “Why don’t you tell me what happened, start from the beginning.” She sat down at the foot of the bed and watched her little sister.

“After breakfast, uncle told us that he was going to take us Christmas shopping...” she halted, looking at her brothers. The youngest one had his thumb stuck in his mouth, while his other hand was clutching at his brother’s bony hand – as if for dear life.

“Go on...” Sandi prompted gently.
“Umm well he told us not to take anything with us; we didn’t even have time to put our shoes on. He told Gogo that he was going to buy new ones for us – and that she will see us later. “ –

“When we got into town – he drove us to dad’s office, he told him he didn’t want us anymore and that dad should look after his children. He didn’t even say anything to us. The boys wanted to go with him, but they left us there.” Feeling ashamed, she looked down at her hands. The question that was going through their minds was why? Why didn’t he want them? It didn’t make any sense at all.

“Dad didn’t want us either, he told us that we were not his children and decided to bring us to you.”

“That’s alright, we will be okay, you’ll see. Our God is faithful; He will see us through this. So don’t worry my lovies – we are going to be ok!” as she said it, she believed!
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Member Comments
Member
Date
terri tiffany
08/23/07
You've got some great dialogue going on here and you put some realistic action in after they speak - good job! A few suggestions that I used - when your character is speaking - use contractions as it sounds more natural ie. 'It's' I'll.
Also capitalize dad when used as a name and not preceded by my or our etc. You also might want to change 'they were huddled' to 'they huddled' makes the action stronger and avoids using verb was alone.
Hope all this helps! Keep writing - you have talent!!
Joanne Sher 
08/25/07
What a frightening situation! Terri gave you some wonderful advice - the only thing I'd add is to break up your paragraphs a bit so they aren't so long. A fascinating read! Would love to know how it came out.