The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
01/29/15
Powerful, intense, and a cacophany of truths in this piece that is on topic and delivered with aplomb!

Well done.

God bless~
01/31/15
I hope no TV producer reads this and gets the idea for a reality TV show! An excellent look at greed that permeates all of culture and our human hearts. It's frightening just what people do do for money, at horrific cost to their souls. You've nailed this frightening sin in man with your clever writing.
02/05/15
The "national headlines" in your final paragraph say it all. I love your irony. Great work!
Wow, what a compelling read. I could almost hear the newscaster. I think you nailed the topic in a fun, yet realistic way. I do believe there have been a few shows like that out there.

My only red ink would be this line:At each stage they will be offered smaller amounts of money to quit.
I know what you were saying, but it stopped the flow because it puzzled me. If people know less money will be offered to quit, wouldn't they quit right off, satisfying greed and morals? I think if you'd switched it around to something like this, I wouldn't have faltered at all: At each stage, they will be offered larger amounts of money to complete the task.

I know it's a tiny detail, but this was so good, I didn't want any distractions. Of course, I know probably most people wouldn't think twice, but the editor in me... Well you know.

The ending is beyond brilliant. I should have seen it coming, yet, I didn't, and I love it when that happens. It screams the message at the reader without being preachy. Before reading this stunning piece of art, I'd have argued it wasn't possible. You really nailed it though. Like I said, brilliant isn't enough to describe it.

Congratulations on ranking 19th overall! Happy Dance!