Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: Write for the HUMOR Genre (10/09/14)
TITLE: Five Reasons I Never Became a Rapper
By Timmy Boyle
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And for good reason.
From the pen of Dr. Seuss to the microphone of Dr. Dre the power of the rhyme has never ceased to amaze, engage & mesmerize.
And really. Who doesn't love wearing a whole lotta bling?
Yet among the multitudes who dreamed of rockin' the mic freestyle...only a few actually tried. Among those who have tried...only a few have excelled. And among those who excelled...there is, and will only be, one MC Hammer.
Ever since my mother encouraged me to "use my words", I've sought to expel the darkness from this world while wielding the sword of language. Ever since my mother told me not to use "those" words, I've attempted to do it with more socially accepted language.
From inspirational speaking to writing to singing there were clearly multiple paths I could have journeyed down, but the lure of being as cool as Ice (Cube or T) was simply too great. Or rather...simply too "fate".
It was incredibly obvious I was destined to be a rapper. Unless you talked to others.
As a scrawny Caucasian boy with big hair and a penchant for both colourful headbands & tight pants most people in my 'hood pegged me for becoming a legend of Rock. But then...the world stopped.
It collaborated. It listened.
The door had swung wide open. The table had turned. The baby had been spilled with the frozen bath water. Equality had finally arrived...riding a vanilla horse and singing a strangely familiar tune.
It no longer mattered that I had been raised on the not-so mean streets of an elitist neighbourhood. With a little creative word play, a cool moniker and a 100 lb. gold chain (or clock face) I would now be free to spread a message of peace, love & joy in the same way Public Enemy did.
But...it was not to be.
Believe me, if I had entered the world of rap the bar would have been noticeably raised. Because in my rap universe...there would be no 50 Cent. It'd be 75 Cent, minimum. Maybe even 80 Cent!
People often ask, “Why? Why did you never take your rightful place among the rap elite?”
The answer...is complicated. However, I've managed to summarize it this way:
The Top FIVE Reasons I Never Became A Rapper -
1) I simply don't possess the upper body strength needed to carry the gold chains.
2) Once “Q-Tip” was used...all the truly great names were taken.
3) Boi. Def. Kool. The spellings are absolutely horrendous! (Not to mention the many misplaced apostrophes)
4) I like ABBA way too much.
5) I couldn't busta rhyme even you gave me extra...minutes.
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