Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: RED (02/01/18)
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TITLE: Jayne's Secret | Previous Challenge Entry
By linda simpson
02/05/18 -
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“Hi! I'm home!” Ben called
Jayne, pretending she had been reading all evening, looked up.
“How did you enjoy tonight love?”
“Even after two months I got beaten again, but chess is a very complicated game. Nevertheless I enjoy the challenge!”
“You've got gardening and reading, as well as church but a new interest is supposed to help stimulate the brain cells at our time of life.”
“So they say. Are you alright, you look sort of flustered?”
“Oh it's probably 'cos I'm getting close to finding out 'who done it' in this novel. Can I make you a cuppa?”
“Thanks. I'll go up and put my slippers on.”
In their bedroom Ben noticed that Jayne's red shoes were not put away, but lay haphazardly under the bed as if put there in a hurry.
“Curious!” he thought, but shrugged it off and went back downstairs.
Making the tea, Jayne reprimanded herself.
“I must leave earlier. Noel knows I can't risk Ben finding out. Please forgive me Lord for deceiving Ben but I don't know what else to do. At least the book IS getting exciting.”
Putting Ben's tea next to his chair, Jayne again curled up on the couch.
“I must finish this book – its so good.”
“That's fine. I need to look up chess stuff on the computer anyway.”
The rest of the evening passed peacefully.
As usual, the following Wednesday, Ben left for chess at 6:30pm. Jayne quickly put on her red shoes, grabbed her matching handbag and climbed into her small red car. Ben, forgetting the chess information he'd found on the net, was returning to get it when he saw Jayne's car disappearing round the corner.
“Where can she be going? What's she doing? She normally stays home.”
Bewildered, Ben followed. She pulled up in front of their favourite cafe. Ben found a parking spot across the road. He could see her at a table greeting Noel from church, who'd obviously arrived before her.
The waitress was serving tea in a red pot with ornate red cups and saucers. Jayne loved going there for that reason.
Red had always been her favourite colour but since becoming a Christian it meant so much more to her she said. It reminded her of the great sacrifice Jesus made for all mankind. Ben agreed. He liked red too.
“What is she doing with Noel? Dear Lord please help me!”
He felt the Lord say “Don't worry. Trust me!”
But, remembering the red shoes under the bed and Jayne's strange demeanour, fear of unfaithfulness grew. Unable to face going home, Ben decided to persevere with his chess class.
“I've made you a drink and some supper.” Jayne said warmly as Ben arrived home later on.
“Oh th.. thank you! How was your evening?”
“Fairly normal – started that other detective novel.”
“That's good.” Ben couldn't say more.
They watched television together amiably, then went to bed, both praying separately for help.
The following Saturday Ben turned 65. Jayne had organized a special BBQ lunch. Friends from church were expected. Their two sons, working overseas,had skyped him that morning. Ben prayed for wisdom to cope with Noel and his wife Wendy coming. He decided that he must confront Jayne after these celebrations and learn the truth.
The doorbell rang!
“Happy Birthday Ben!”
“You're well over the hill now mate!”
“All the best and many more!”
Friends entered bringing gifts and plates of mouthwatering food. Among them were Noel and Wendy who greeted him warmly. Ben managed a smile.
Following a delicious lunch and chocolate birthday cake decorated with strawberries, Ben opened gifts of clothing, gardening tools, cds and dvds. There was even a book on chess.
Suddenly, Noel appeared around the corner of the house carrying a large box.
“Here you are Ben! It's something very special for you!”
“What's this?”
“Open it and see!” Jayne said eagerly.
Lifting the top Ben gasped.
Lying in tissue paper was a varnished oak box. Its lid inlaid with beautiful red enamelled squares.
“Open the box dear!” Jayne was so impatient.
Taking it out carefully and undoing the catch Ben was amazed to see, lying in red velvet, a beautiful chess set.
Jayne explained excitedly
“Noel, as you know, teaches woodwork and copper enamelling. He's been helping me make this box for you. Now we can learn chess together!”
Wiping tears and doubts away, Ben whispered
“Thank you Lord!” as Jayne hugged and kissed him.
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Nice job with the topic, good ending...
Blessings~
Be careful about the POV shifts. You jumped into both of their minds. Instead, focus just on the MC. The reader can only know what he sees, hears, or thinks. Some of the dialog didn't sound natural to my ears. I'd urge you to really listen how people speak, if they are okay, maybe even record some conversations so you can mirror that in your writing. For example, I might edit it like this:
Ben walked through the door and tossed his bag on the counter. "I'm home."
Janet jumped, grabbed her book, and yanked it open. After inhaling deeply, she looked up. "Did you have a good time?"
<i>Does she really think she's fooling me? I'd bet anything she hasn't been reading all night.</i>
Snorting, Ben shrugged. "It was okay. Not sure if I'll ever totally get how to play. Chess is complicated, and I'm sick of losing.”
I know I took liberties, but I wanted to show you what I meant. It's not perfect, but the body language and thoughts help show instead of tell and avoids the shift. Also notice I added actions to show the emotions, break up the dialog a bit, and to show who is speaking. Also, limit the exclamation points. Instead, let your great word choice do the exclaiming for you.
I think the ending was delightful. I'm sure most didn't see that coming at all. It left me with a warm fuzzy feeling and a big smile. You really did an outstanding job and with a bit of tweaking, I think it could be upped to brilliant. Your topic was there, but you didn't overdo it. I think it was on topic, relatable, and powerful.
God bless.