The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
07/18/14
Interesting take on this week's topic. Unfortunately, this is happening to a lot of our young people. Thanks for sharing.
I like the way you increased the tension throughout this story. The first sentence begins like a fairy tale. I think it would work better if you began Amanda was ... The story certainly relates to life today in many families. Well done.
07/20/14
You did well progressing the tension in the story. This hits close to many homes in America.

Thanks for sharing.
07/22/14
An extremely well written entry that reflects issues that plague society today.

Intense read!

God bless~
07/23/14
A good story dealing with pertinent and important issues today. I think you did a good job with this one.

Perhaps it could improve with a hook at the beginning. I felt the story was bit slow in gaining traction. Maybe some of the conflict up front would help.

Overall good entry. Keep up the great work!
This is a potent, yet extremely sad story. You did a fine job developing Amanda as she grew.

I'd have related even more if you had included some dialog in it. Using dialog is a wonderful way to paint a picture for the reader. For exampke: The writing instructor challenged Amanda. "Do you really believe God destroyed the entire world with a flood?"
Amanda shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know, it does seem kind of mean. What kind of a God would want to wipe out the whole world?" Amanda chewed on her lip as she pondered question after question. She sought out her parents. "How do you know Jesus is a Savior and not just a good man?"
Horrified, her mom's eyes nearly bulged out of her head. "You just have to believe."
Amanda rolled her eyes and snorted at her mother's naivety.
Of course this isn't perfect and may not be the direction you want to go, but my adding just a few lines of dialog, the reader is able to understand what and why Amanda is doubting.

I admire the courage to be true to the ending. Often people like to wrap everything into a neat bow, but you kept it real. In my opinion, that is like slapping the reader against the head and stating we don't all live happily ever after. Time to wake up and act! This is a message we all need for it's far too easy to become complacent and not care. You did an awesome job in showing how important it is to tell others about Jesus.