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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: The Short End of the Stick (02/20/14)
Saturday is what I waited for all week. Dad’s away in Seven Islands --- at the mine. No more work here in Noranda Copper for now. Mom’s asleep, said she had to catch up on her dreams --- she’s a waitress on the midnight shift. At a Chinese place, with some kind of dragon name. Good food there they say, but we can’t afford to go.

The owner, Mr. Woo, often gives mom leftovers from the restaurant. He’s a nice man. For a treat, he tells mom to tell us. But I know better, I’m the oldest of five kids and I think he knows sometimes we don’t have ‘nuff to eat. My big ears hear old people tell, mom got the short end of the stick. I’m not sure why they tattle like that. Maybe it’s ‘cause dad drinks a lot. That’s why mom has to work. Just wish she didn’t scream at us kids so much.

I’m almost eleven, a big kid. But it’s okay to play in our park with younger ones. They’re poor like us; well as least we have lots of warm clothes. They’re second hand, but that’s okay. I’m lucky I have a neighbour pal just two years older than me and I get his after.

Today is chilly, I think its 1951. Doesn’t matter --- time for picking teams. This is the part I don’t like. I’m probably the worst hitter in the whole world. That’s why I’m usually the last one to get picked. There’s ten of us today, some with fathers who stay home. And others who have none, so, I’m lucky I guess.

Chicky is a Captain of course. He’s the only one got a homerun hit once. And the other is big mouth Lee. They go one, two, one, two. Then only two left; me and a kid who smells. He sure needs a bath. I get picked first. That makes me really happy. At least today, I’m not last.
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This article has been read 862 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Brenda Rice
02/27/14
Good storytelling with a good message.

Keep on writing and thanks for sharing.
C D Swanson 
02/28/14
Well this was an interesting story from a child's POV. The internal dialoque was realistic for a child that age...and the lifestyle of the child was kind of sad, but at least he had a home and food, whereas some aren't as fortunate.

Good job with this "authentic tone" entry.

God bless~
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
03/02/14
I enjoyed this MC. It felt real and I could almost hear him speak. You did have some incomplete sentences. I first picked up the on that started at a Chinese restaurant. As I kept reading, I could see the choppy sentences were to help build the character. You did a nice job of doing that. Be sure to be consistent with it though. There was a time you used didn't, but I pictured your MC using don't, even though it would not be correct grammatically, it would fit the MC. You also did a great job of developing the atmosphere. You took me back in time and I could almost taste the dust of the ball field. You also did a nice job with the topic. It made me sad that it passes off into the next generation because that is often true in real life today. Great job. Keep writing!
Gregory Kane
03/06/14
Good tone. I would like to have read more.