The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 151 times
Member Comments
Intriguing story. Hansa seemed very mature for a four-year old. And how can someone describing a child's game refer to it as Child's play? It seems Hansa would understand that term in a literal sense, not metaphorically. I would like to hear more of her story, and see what more this bright child comes up with!
I enjoyed the intent and spirit of this festive story. I would like to see the dramatic qualities of this work fully portrayed.

"Today was going to be such fun, thought Grace." The first line is critical. Having the story start with someone's thoughts, doesn't draw the reader into the drama of the story.

Dialogue instead of thought would really help. example: "We are going to have a blast today, guys! Fasten your seat belts, and get ready to have a good time!"
You have a really great foundation here. I enjoyed the conflict in the little one's mind. You had a POV shift (hopping from Grace's thoughts to Hansa's) and the dialog for Hansa could use some tweaking to make it sound more like a four-year-old little one. A wee one wouldn't say child's play but instead something like: They were meanies! They really hurt Jesus. Then she compares the bad people to bullies who torture at school. It seems like one reference in her head is something kids wouldn't do, but then she says bullies at school torture (both torture and going to school seems young for a preschooler.) However, with all that said, I think this story has an outstanding message. With some tweaking, it would make a fantastic Sunday School lesson. It is awful Jesus had to die so horrifically, but what a day of rejoicing there will be when we are all resurrected with him again. That's the true beauty and power in this story. I did like the ending too. It would be great to include it it actual dialog with all three participating. You've a great start here. Don't get discouraged and keep writing and reading and commenting on other entries.