The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 253 times
Member Comments
Well written story. Unique viewpoint Thanks for sharing.
Touching story. One phrase confused me at first and then I figured it out... it was,
"She is more concerned whether the other girls will accept her. I pat the white spot on her forehead; the only white spot on her light brown body. She senses the girl too." The reader goes from the anxious girl to suddenly the narrator patting a "white spot on her forehead"... Of course you mean the horse, which becomes clear when you wrote "She senses the girl too," but the sentence structure initiates confusion and could be changed slightly to let the reader know you meant the horse from the start.
This is a lovely story. I had a special fondness for it because both of my girls and I went to Christian horse camps. I know how a setting like that can really allow angels and the Holy Spirit to work wonders.

You did a lot of telling. It's easy to say show don't tell, but much harder to do. Another thing you had were POV shifts, where you jumped into the minds of others. There are a few ways to fix it. In my opinion, the best is to use body language, dialog, and thoughts from the MC. Since the MC here is an angel, it would be reasonable to think he might know more than the average character, but you could have used his thoughts to show that. One way I might do more showing (and avoid the shifts) would be:
That one little girl, Miesha, shuffles away from the gaggle of girls. I sense she feels like a misfit, as she chews on a strand of her hair. Every few seconds, her eyes flit over to the horses, but she quickly lowers her head again when the other girls point at her and snicker. She can't fool me though; I know she longs to make friends with the other kids.
Flitting above the horses, I swoop down and pat Summer's white spot on her forehead.
(The way you originally had it worded, I first thought the white spot on the forehead belonged to the girl.) In the beginning, I wasn't sure if Zig was a ranch hand or the angel. But if you use thoughts, dialog and body language, you won't have that head hopping, and it will be easier to understand. You also need to remember semicolons are used to separate two independent lines. A good way to test if a semicolon is needed is to see if the part before and after it are complete sentences that could stand on their own with their own subjects and verbs.

You have a great foundation for a wonderful story here. I felt empathy for the girls and the horses. It's amazing how internal scars can hurt way more than external ones, both in people and animals. Your conflict drew me in right away, and your resolution of it left me feeling content and smiling. You did a nice job of developing your characters, and your message is clear and pertinent, especially in today's world. Congratulations on ranking 2nd in your level and 18 overall. Happy Dance!