The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
I really enjoyed this sweet story. Your MC was likable and made me smile. I could easily see this as a children's story. It has a great message.

Be careful of just a few things like starting a new paragraph each time someone different speaks and keeping your tense consistent. For example in this line:Jake never could understand how old people can sit still for so long.
You slip to present tense. It should be like this: Jake never understood how old people could sit... Also instead of using taglines like he said, you might want to try to paint a picture for the reader. For example: Jake linked his lips and swallowed hard. "Good morning."
Not only does it show who is speaking, it also shows Jake was a little nervous.

You did a great job with this story though. You introduced the conflict right away, pulling me into the story. I also liked how Jake resolved the conflict on his own. That is so important in kids' stories. Many adult authors tend to have an adult resolve the conflict. Your ending is great resolution. He spoke to his parents, but figured out a way to get his answers. This is a delightful read.
A totally refreshing and cleaver story that brought a smile to my face...also, it had a great wrap up. Nicely done...Loved it!

God bless~
correction: Clever
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