The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
04/18/24
Great story. It ends on an unexpected note with them taking in another when they were struggling to take care of themselves. I think my only suggestion for improvement would be not starting as many sentences with 'he.' Other than that I thought it was great. Good luck on the contest!
This is a lovely story. It's spot on the topic and has a strong Christian message. You did a nice job of developing the characters. One thing I might suggest is the old stand by--show, don't tell. You can do this by using body language to show feelings and more dialog. I usually add thoughts too, but you did a nice job with that one. You can put them in italics so they stand out as thoughts to the reader. Go back and look at how many paragraphs start with Hans or he. I think you might be surprised. The showing advice might help with mixing up sentence structure a bit too. Overall, you did an excellent job. I enjoyed it from beginning to end. I also think as we near 100 years of this horrible history, it's vital to keep writing stories like this lest we forget.