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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Conversation (face to face) (10/07/10)
Kurt was sitting at the table in the coffee shop when he spied Ramón and greeted him. “Why hello you old scalawag. How are you today. You look sharp as ever for an old man.”

Ramon all looked at Kurt shaking his head before he spoke. “Scalawag! Look who‘s talking. An old reprobate who has the mannerism of an old goat”

They looked at each other and laughed joyously. Kurt sipped his coffee with his eyes dancing merrily. “Ramon can you believe what happened recently? Crystal and I are still in shock. We can’t believe that the President of our Homeowners Association could do such a thing.”

Ramon sipped his coffee and cleared his throat. “Kurt the sad part is we wouldn’t have never known what was going on if that young couple hadn’t ran for President of our Homeowners Association and won. When the books were audited that is when all the duplicity came to light.”

Kurt adjusted himself in his seat. “Ramon everybody was fooled and didn’t suspect a thing. They held that position for 15 years and would still be in power if not for that nice young couple taking over. This old world is changing my friend.”

Ramon looked around the coffee shop and shook his head. “Kurt it is just like the Bible says. II Timothy 3 :5 says it so well. I’m far from perfect and I can’t judge rightly. I leave that in God’s hands, but to be so deceitful and cunning all those years. I guess I’m getting old my friend because I sure didn’t suspect a thing.”

“Ramon my friend I’m with you. I don’t understand as well how some can hide their true selves. I think II Timothy 3:1-4 describes this old world perfectly. When their deceit was uncovered they acted as if they hadn’t done anything wrong. That is what upset me more than anything. They used the money for their own gain.”

“Kurt, I think from now on our community will be more vigilant of the goings on around us. The old devil is running rampant to and fro over this earth causing dissention and anything else he can.”

Well, Ramon Crystal is expecting me at home so I guess I had better finish my coffee and hit the road. Crystal has something planned for this afternoon and I don’t want to disappoint my honey.”

“I know what you mean Kurt. Louisa is expecting me as well. Her and Crystal have something up their sleeve. They’ve had their heads together lately and when we walk in they shut up. Oh, before you go please let me know what it feels like when you hit the road.” Ramon threw back his head and roared.

Kurt placed his hands around Ramon’s throat and laughed as well.

“Ramon, you bring joy into my life and I'm so thankful to have a friend such as you. Well, Ramon I will see you again so enjoy the remainder of the day with your lovely family. Adieu my friend.”
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This article has been read 730 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Nichole Hall
10/21/10
I like the setting you give of two good friends sitting, drinking coffee, and talking about the hurt they've felt from their current situation. It's obvious that these two have a strong bond of friendship. For me, it doesn't seem necessary to put the names of each person speaking in each paragraph. You can get away with bouncing back and forth the dialogue without adding who is speaking, since there are only two people present. You would need to add who is speaking every now and then, but not every time someone says something. Good job on painting a nice picture of their conversation!
Philippa Geaney 
10/23/10
I agree--you have created authentic conversation and mood, which is a treat. A softer touch with identification would have let it flow even more naturally.
Cheers.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
10/24/10
This is an interesting story between two friends. There is so much more I want to know. But you did a mice job of keeping me reading.
Jan Ackerson
10/24/10
You've got some great 'salsa' words in here--scallawag, reprobate, etc. Love that humorous touch.

Work a bit on comma usage--and at one point, it reads as if you have a character sipping coffee with his eyes.

I enjoyed the relationship between these two friends--a pleasant read.
Shellie Bailey
10/24/10
I really liked the humor and you did a great job at painting a vivid picture with your words. :)
DK Landers
10/28/10
I like the conversation between the two old friends. It is apparent that they are very fond of each other, and you captured the "male" tone in the dialogue with ease. I will not reiterate the improvements others have mentioned except to say that the story would be more powerful with those edits. Great job!
c clemons
10/29/10
Hi my old friend. I wish there were time for someone to proof for you before submitting. There were too many errors and that distracted from the story, and I am not quite sure what the story was about. Conversation between friends is not usually peppered with first names or with scripture references by chapter and verse. Try to write just like you would speak. Keep writing.