The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
I like the gist of the story, of how you mix in Christian-ness with their sad behaviors. You might want edit your piece before submission, for there was several tense changes, and confusion with the character names. It's a good foundation for a very good story.
And oh, I need to edit my own comments....!
Some of your dialogue was confusing and the main idea was a bit lost but the story line was good. Edit and keep writing!
You have a nice foundation. I like how you show the conflict right from the beginning. You do switch your tenses quite often though. I'd like to hear more about the story and what happened to make them have this conversation. Some of it seems random. I'm not sure who all the characters are. Also write out Bible verse names. I was puzzled about Pro 2 v 10 for a bit. Since it doesn't affect your word count, write it out: Proverbs 2, verse 10. A new Christian might not have any idea what you meant. Keep writing and also read and leave comments on other pieces as well. You have a good message in here. The more you write, I can see you blossoming quickly. Good job.
Your story is beautiful. I like the dialogue between your characters, although it could be better. We didn't have enough information on the main characters too.
It's beautiful really, and I loved the way you 'showed' the characters expressions and not just 'tell'.
It could use some editing too.