The Official Writing Challenge
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This story has a lot of potential. I could tell right off that there was a serious conflict going on and that made me eager to keep reading. I could really relate to Randy. I think we have all drifted off during church or Sunday school. Be careful of your tenses. You shifted from past, past perfect, and present. I'd also encourage you to add some body language in between the dialog. For me, the second paragraph bogged me down a bit. Back story is important, but it can be sprinkled throughout the story instead of given all at once. You have some great ideas. You definitely covered the topic and delivered a good message. I'm a bit torn about the ending. I enjoy a good joke, but it felt a bit forced. It was nice to end with a groan and a smile though. I'd love to challenge you to read and comment on every entry in your level and a few from 3 and 4. The more you read and leave constructive comments, the more you understand what works and what doesn't, and then you can apply that to your own writing. I believe you have some great possibilities. I look forward to reading more of your pieces.
In really bad about reading titles, so I didn't notice this before, but be really careful that your title doesn't give away your ending.