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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: SMEAR (03/10/16)
He flew down the stairs and into the kitchen, grabbed his backpack and went out the door.

“Wait Brian, you haven’t had breakfast,” I called after him as he rushed toward the bus.

“It’s okay Mom, I grabbed a piece of bacon off of my plate.”

I watched him from the open door, noticing a greasy smear on the window. More cleaning.

“Don’t forget I have a baseball game at three today. Last time we played this team we smeared them,” he called over his shoulder. Hopping onto the waiting school bus, he waved as the sliding doors shut.

I pulled a cloth from my apron pocket and wiped off the fingerprints. Didn’t I just do this? I try so hard to keep this house perfect. I am fighting a losing battle.

Checking my daily schedule, I realized I had a lengthy amount of duties to accomplish. At least I don’t have to go to work today. I have my telephone appointment with Mother, and Mrs. Kruger is visiting today. I’m not sure if I can make it to Brian’s game at three. Grabbing my cleaning supplies, I headed for Brian’s bathroom. Perhaps I will have time to call Mother later.

Spraying the mirror with cleaner, then wiping with my cloth, I noticed smudges that resembled lip prints. What in the world was Brian doing? It looked as if he had been kissing himself. The things middle school boys do. At least I caught it before my company arrived. What kind of housekeeper would Mrs. Kruger think I am? What if she told other neighbors? Looking closely at the mirror, I thought I noticed a gray hair. I’m getting old. My life is passing.

Just as I finished vacuuming, the doorbell rang.

Opening the door, I politely greeted our elderly neighbor. “Hello Mrs. Kruger. It’s very nice to have you over. I’m glad you suggested getting together.”

“It’s my pleasure, and thank you for the coffee,” Mrs. Kruger said as she sat down on the couch. “Your house is spotless,” she observed with a smile.

“Thank you. It’s quite challenging with a rambunctious son like mine.”

“Aren’t you blessed to have a spirited boy like him? You must enjoy him while you can. My children are grown with families of their own.” She sipped her coffee while she looked at me closely. “I think back on my life and wish I had spent more time just playing with them. The house could have waited.”

I nodded and looked down as I straightened the white linen napkin on my lap. “There’s always so much to do. My life seems rather redundant.”

Mrs. Kruger nodded. “I understand. It is difficult being a young mother and wanting everything just so, but remember, God has blessed you with a loving son and a lovely home.”

“I guess you are right.”

“What is truly valuable in life is what is eternal. Not the things of this world.” Mrs. Kruger then stood. “I am sorry I have to leave already, but I have another appointment.”

I stood and checked my watch. “Brian does have a ballgame in a few minutes. Perhaps I can get there on time if I hurry.”

“I appreciate you having me over. It’s always good to get acquainted with your neighbors. You truly have a lovely and spotless home.”

While Mrs. Kruger went out the door I grabbed my purse. I noticed another smudge on the window as I exited but walked right past it.

I made my way to the top of the bleachers after I arrived at the ballpark. Brian was up to bat and I crossed my fingers as he swung and hit the ball to center field. He rounded the bases and made it home. I waved to him as he looked up at me with a broad smile.

When the game ended, Brian slowly approached, swinging his dirty mitt beside him. “Thanks for coming to my game Mom,” he murmured.

“I’m so happy I could come. It was a great game.”

“But we didn’t win Mom. They killed us.” He kicked the dirt with his cleat.

“That doesn’t matter to me Brian. None of us can be perfect all of the time.”

He slowly grinned. “Let’s go home.”
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This article has been read 784 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
C D Swanson 
03/17/16
Great job with this!

Blessings~
Art Westefeld
03/17/16
An excellent reminder of what's important in life. Best of luck with your entry.
Art Westefeld
03/17/16
An excellent reminder of what's important in life. Best of luck with your entry.
Art Westefeld
03/17/16
An excellent reminder of what's important in life. Best of luck with your entry.
Art Westefeld
03/17/16
Sorry I left 3 od the same comment on your entry. My laptop was acting up
Bonnie Bowden 
03/17/16
I'm glad the MC learned about the price of perfection early on. Children grow up too quickly.

This was well written, and I enjoyed reading it.
Pat Small
03/18/16
I enjoyed this piece. Well done.
David Guion
03/18/16
I liked this story very much. The dialog seems very natural--except for the line about life being redundant. Mrs. Kruger's comment that she wished she had spent more time with her children and less time keeping house must have come as a welcome relief to the MC.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
03/18/16
I could totally relate to the Mc. You wouldn't believe it if you came to my house, but I used to be quite fussy about a clean house. As I became sicker, I realized I had limited energy. I could play a game with kids or clean the house. I'm so glad I picked spending time with kids. I joked that when the youngest turned 18, we'd blow up the house and start over. ;) I think you did a nice job of writing on topic. You did pull me in, however, the pacing was a bit slow for me. Since the Mc felt frenzied, shorter sentences and different verb choices would have showcased that even more. For example you could do something like: Flinging the door open, I ushered my guest to the couch. After getting her some coffee, I plopped down next to her. My eyes darted around the room. I missed a spot on the mirror. Oh, and I promised Mom I'd try to call her today. Rocking back and forth, I glanced at my watch and sighed.

That may make the MC seem ruder than you might like, but I tried to exaggerate it a bit to show you what I mean.

You did do a nice job of developing all three of the characters, which isn't easy to do. I liked the ending, in that the team didn't win, but the boy recovered a bit fast. Perhaps instead, he could have thrown more of a git, Mom could have mused that teaching her son to be a good loser needed to be added to her to-do list, but it could wait until tomorrow. Again, not perfect, but just an example to show you a slightly out-of-the-box idea. You have a great foundation to build upon and the story had some great conflicts and resolutions. There's also a great message for us all. It's so easy to get caught up in the unimportant stuff. I really enjoyed this delightful story.
Judy Sauer 
03/23/16
Nice job with the topic. You kept my attention from the beginning to the end. I really like how the MC learned from the older, wiser woman of what matters most. Having her take that lesson and apply it immediately is refreshing. Well done.
C D Swanson 
03/24/16
Congrats!
Blessings~
Bonnie Bowden 
03/24/16
Congratulations, Karen, on placing highly commendable in the Intermediate Category. I have a tendency to be a perfectionist and liked the reminder of the price that's paid in doing so.
Catherine Craig
03/24/16
Congrats Karen on this accomplishment.