Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: FERHOODLE (confuse or mix-up) (03/03/16)
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TITLE: The Stream of Life | Previous Challenge Entry
By Hugh Houchin
03/10/16 -
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Some days she understood where her mind wanted to lead her, and she’d follow, but most days she didn’t want to go where it did. She felt like a compass on a spinning merry-go-round; north was really south and east really west, or was it vice versa?
“Is there an absolute direction to go?” Fer sighed and picked up her smart phone, “Call Alili,” she said.
“What’s happening,” Alili’s voice chimed from somewhere in cell-land.
“It’s Saturday night you think we should invade the mall?”
“Sounds good, but I don’t have any weapons, you know, like money. It’s still a week before allowance day, and I’m broke.”
“That’s fine; I’ll spring for carbonation and elephant treats. Have something I want to talk about. I’ll be right there.”
On her way through the living room Fer told her parents she and Alili were going to the mall.
“Ok,” her Mother said. “But just because the mall stays open all night doesn’t mean you and Alili have to keep it company.”
“I know, Mother, I know. Love you both,” Fer said as she skipped out the front door and towards Alili’s house, a block-and-a- half away.
When the two of them arrived at the mall they went to The Hub, a teen hang-out, and sat in a corner booth.
On the wall beside the booth Fer reached for the phone and ordered two sodas and a bowl of peanuts. In minutes the waiter brought their order and she paid him. She waited for him to leave and then leaned across the table and in a low tone said, "Alili, do you ever do things you know is wrong?”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know, maybe something that pops into your mind that makes you giggle and blush at the same time.”
“Well,” Alili said. “I figure my mind knows what’s right and wrong, so I follow it.”
“Really?
“Generally.”
“I never knew that.”
“You never asked.”
“But.”
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” Alili said flipping back the hair that hung over one eye. “Let’s go window shop.”
Lying in bed later that night, Fer tried to make sense of what Alili said about depending on her mind to know what’s right and wrong.
Then, to befuddle her more, in Sunday school the next morning, the teacher talked about Christians making correct decisions when evil thoughts tempted them.
After school on Monday, Fer didn’t feel comfortable going with the gang to The Hub, so she went straight home. After supper she helped with the dishes and kissed her parents goodnight. “I have some homework and then I’m going to bed because I’m tired. See you in the a.m.”
She smiled and listened to their familiar refrain of “sleep tight and don’t let the bedbugs bite.”
A little over an hour later Fer pulled the sheet up under her chin. Lying nose to nose with Leonard, her stalwart stuffed lion companion, her tears bled mascara down her cheek and onto the pillow slip.
Nothing made sense.
She awoke in a lush valley where she walked barefoot in dense grass, which grew next to the cloudy and steadily moving stream of life.
Somewhere along the way innocence and evil were swept into the stream, and they tumbled together as the stream maneuvered a turn and disappeared from sight.
The soft grass tickled Fer’s toes as she followed it around the turn. Once there she watched the stream, and everything in it, gush into a serene lake.
While the cumbersome weight of evil sank and disappeared into the lake, she watched the protective cover of innocence flow over the lake.
Fer blinked her tear crusted eyes and squeezed Leonard. Wide awake she stared at the ceiling. She understood. Confusion no longer reigned; like her name it was only a word.
She understood that no matter where she flowed in her stream of life, along with innocence, evil would always tousle with her for control.
But as long as she protected innocence by saying no to her mind, that innocence would cover her from the evil trying to rise in her life.
She closed her eyes, squeezed Leonard again, and drifted off into peaceful rest.
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I noticed a few grammatical errors:
Protective cover of innocence flowed instead of flow.
Do things you know are wrong instead of is wrong.
I liked that your story was complex.
I thought you did well portraying the mind of the teenager, but the middle seemed a little slow compared to the rest of the story.