Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: FERHOODLE (confuse or mix-up) (03/03/16)
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TITLE: Done | Previous Challenge Entry
By Kathy Smail
03/09/16 -
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“Yes you do.”
“Why should I?”
“Because you do, that’s why.”
“But you said-”
“No! I didn’t say you were wrong, just that I wanted to talk about it.”
“David, I don’t have time for this now. I need to finish work and pick up the kids.”
“But why are you so angry with me? You’re the one that always asks me for clarification.”
“David. Stop. We need to talk about this later.” Janie pushed the end call button, dashed off a few last words on an email and shut down her computer. She sighed. Some days juggling motherhood with marriage was heartbreaking.
She sat in the car and allowed herself a minute of quiet. It was only a short drive from her office in the city to ‘after-school care’ and there would be no quiet in the car once she picked up her 3 boys.
It’s too much. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t juggle everything and still be sane at the end of the day. I’m done.
As soon as she voiced the thoughts, she knew she was trapped. The house mortgage and the business loans were looming over her every.single.day. Quitting work wasn’t an option. It was exhausting to hold it all together. She exhaled, as if the mere action of breathing out might transport her to another life.
Wait a minute, wanting another life wasn’t right. The boys are my life. The boys are ridiculously noisy but I wouldn’t change them for all the quietness in the world. David is another thing altogether. How could he be so unfeeling?
It was a tough reminder that ten years of marriage was no guarantee of happiness.
***
“Daddy we’re home!” The boys ran through the house but didn’t find him.
“Where’s Daddy?”
Janie took a deep breath and said, “Come on everyone, Daddy’s working. It’s tea time and you all need to wash your hands while I heat it up.”
Was this what it’s all come too? He just doesn’t come home and I’m not even sure I want him to?
Janie got the boys to bed, did the dishes and started to fold the washing. She wondered what she was supposed to do now. Should she keep trying his mobile or was that too pushy? Should she leave a message that she didn’t want him to come home?
***
“David, it’s me just wondering if you’re coming home?”
***
“It’s me again. Why won’t you pick up your calls?”
***
“David, it’s me. It’s 9’oclock and I’m getting worried! Call me.”
***
“David, I don’t know where you are but I’m scared.”
***
“I’m sorry we fought. Will you just come home?”
***
She opened her eyes as the sun began to light the sky. She sat up, threw the half folded washing aside and ran to the bedroom. Perhaps he’d gone straight to bed?
What am I going to do? The boys will be awake soon. What do I tell them?
She brushed the hot tears away as she sat again feeling dread creeping through the house until it was holding her arms by her side.
Janie heard a noise at the door.
Oh, Thank God.
She ran to it and threw it open.
“Did you lose your ke-“
“Are you Mrs Peet?”
Oh no…
“Is your husband David Peet?”
No, please… she nodded.
“I’m sorry but there was an accident on the highway and your husband was…um….involved.”
“What?”
“I’m so very sorry but your husband has passed away.”
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It had an authentic tone and plot, and it made my heart so sad.
God bless~
If you had let the reader know why you and your husband were fighting, it would have pulled in the reader right from the beginning.
An example: "What do you mean you can't pick up the kids after school?"
I liked the twist at the end of the story. I believe it needs to show MC's emotions.
I am just learning myself.
I liked the premise of your story and if developed a little further your writing would grow by leaps and bounds.
Good luck with the judges.
Well done.