Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: MAIL (02/18/16)
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TITLE: New Opportunity | Previous Challenge Entry
By Philip Aiyabei
02/24/16 -
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“Oh thanks, am so grateful”
“You are welcome. Please go the registry and pick your letter of offer.” The manager explained.
I could not believe that God had finally brought a breakthrough after several months of tarmacking. With a lot of excitement and joy I went to the registry where I was met by this kind and lovely lady.
“You must be Philip. You are welcome; we have been waiting for you since morning. Here is your letter. All the information relating to the job is contained therein.”
“Thanks so much, I replied, leaving the building.”
God is indeed faithful; I kept meditating on my way home. Even the secretary was kind and courteous as compared to many that I had encountered before. I was more convinced that God was directing me to this opportunity. He had met my heart desire as the scripture records: May the lord give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed. Psalms 20:4 (New international version).
Reaching home I immediately opened the letter and blessing of the lord amazed me; from a good salary, to allowances and benefits, I couldn’t even explain how big and wide is God’s love.
The lord did it for me. He will likewise do it for you if you remain in him.
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Last week, I received my critique from the judges. They said my dialogue was somewhat stilted. I think at times your characters also use too formal of dialogue. Their suggestion was to read and act out my story.
Keep writing!
Your dialog feels a bit stilted and unnatural. I'd urge you to add body language and contractions to help with the flow. For example: Bouncing on the tip of my toes, I nibbled on my lip as I watched the manager shuffle papers on his desk.
Finally, he looked up and smiled. "Congratulations, you've been selected for the job.”
I resisted jumping up and down. Instead, I shook his hand and said, “Thank you; thank you. I can't tell you how much I appreciate this."
Opening the door, the manager pointed to human resources.
“You're welcome. You just need to go pick up your letter and fill out some more paperwork."
I tried to add some body language and make the dialog a little less formal. Just adding contractions can make a huge difference. This may seem petty, but you slightly missed the topic. It was about mail. You focused on a letter. They may seem the same, but there is a subtle difference. Perhaps, she could have received the letter in the mail, and then call the manager. It's not a huge thing, and I might be wrong. Each week, Deb posts in the forums exactly what the topic means and what the judges are looking for. Many people wrote of a letter instead of mail, so it's quite possible, I'm being too literal.
Your message is a great one. God blesses us all the time. Sometimes it's something little, but other times it's something we've been stressing over, but he is always so good to us. Keep writing. I see your gift and am excited to see more of your work.