The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
07/17/15
That was a great approach to the topic, I enjoyed it...and really liked the message and the last line!

God bless~
I think you have a delightful sense of humor. You had me chuckling throughout. You did a nice job of showing what an ugly tourists looks like.

I did have some trouble following you at times. In your opening paragraph, I had to read the third line several times to understand it. I will ask someone to read my story aloud and if he stumbles at all, I know I need to go back and smooth it out some. I think it might be helpful if you had transitioned a bit more in between stories. It felt a bit sudden to me to go from one spot to the next to the next without a transition.

Your idea is great and I like how you went outside of the box. I think your ending was great. Many people struggle with the ending, but I think it was your strongest out of all of the criteria the judges use. You also had some great descriptions. I liked the way you used dialog and thoughts to move the story along. I look forward to reading more of your work.