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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Bouncebackability (06/05/14)
THE INVITATION
“The truth of the matter, Mr. Andreas is that your services are no longer required. The firm has had to make several cut backs in the originations department, sir. Due to this untimely event and your undeniable qualities, we are willing to offer you a severance package.”
Later that night Jon decided he needed a vacation in order to recover from being laid off. It was two o’clock the next morning, when a deafening phone call caused Jon to erupt out of an intensely deep slumber.
“Hello Mr. Andreas, sorry to wake you at such an early hour, but we just received notice of a position opening in our sister firm in Bali.” (Those words bellowed in Jon’s ears)
“So you’re telling me you fired me yesterday, and yet even though I refused your severance package, you want to send me to a remote desolate island for the company!”

“Now, hold on Jon, I know we were in the wrong, but please allow me to explain. We knew that your credentials and exemplary visualization would mandate a promotion in the near future. However, it was obvious, with the current economic decline; that would be an impossibility until now. Apparently, two months ago our lead researcher in Bali stumbled across some ancient relics. These artifacts contained a message about intrusion consequences; and upon their discovery, we forged an agreement with the local tribes to excavate the area. Our only problem is the government of Bali is requesting you for the curator. There was something said about, you being the only one that could give them the appreciation needed!”
“Okay, I will think about it, but don’t hesitate for my call. Now goodbye I am going back to sleep. I will come in the office after lunch and we can discuss the details. Now goodnight, madam!”

It had been more than twenty years since Jon had been on an active excavation, and truth be known; that is just what he needed. A vacation on a remote desolate island seemed nice. Considering that he had sold all his precious memoirs just hours after being fired; he had nothing to lose! Then again, how did the government know his name and why was he being requested? While he was only forty-five and definitely overweight, Jon had no expertise in the area and surely did not know the local language. None the less he had told Madam Vanderlin he would consider the gig.
At the age of twenty-five Jon had graduated from Yale University, with a double masters in advertising and social behavior. He was more than qualified to be a senior analyst in the advertising field, but an archaeologist he wasn’t. He had to call his sister in a few hours, maybe she could shed some light on this new acquired position; since she was a diplomat for the French foreign legion. He knew it would be a shot in the dark, but he had to try.
It was one-thirty the next afternoon when Jon finally made it to Madam Vanderlin’s office. As he walked in he noticed a large parcel lying on her desk. Post marked from the nation of Bali. It was addressed; THE VANDERLIN ASSOCIATION NEW YORK, NEW YORK ATTN: JON ANDREAS. As he inched closer to the package, he could sense the abrupt smell of clay and aged old paint. He thought to himself, that this was surely the oddest package he had ever seen. On top of the packaging material was a small document; with a large distinct government seal, including a personal message for Jon. WE THE PEOPLE OF BALI INVITE YOU TO JOIN US IN THE EXCAVATION OF A PROPOSED THREE ACRE LOT. IT IS SURE TO BRING YOU AN UNDISCLOSED AMOUT OF REVENUE AND FAME.
That was it, he made up his mind!” Mrs. Vanderlin, I do believe I will take this challenge. It has sparked an interest in my soul, and it will give me the opportunity to recover from the recent downsizing. Not to mention, I have been looking for a way to bring my life back in order. I need to bounce back.”
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This article has been read 666 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Larry Whittington
06/16/14
A nicely put together story. This is the way writers do it. A string of sequences develop a plot and add a final resolve and you have a story.

Keep your ideas flowing.
C D Swanson 
06/17/14
Well done! Great tale, it held my interest from beginning to end.

God bless~
Phillip Cimei
06/18/14
It was an interesting read. I didn't really know where your were heading, but you closed it out nicely. Good Job.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
07/09/14
This is a delightful story. I loved how you used what Jan (from the forum Jan's Writing Basics) calls salsa words like erupt. It is the perfect word and brought a vivid mental picture to my mind as well as stirring up some emotions.

Some experts suggest not to start the story with dialog. Sometimes I agree. In this case a line like the following might help clue the reader in right off the bat.
Sitting in the human resource office, Jon felt his stomach revolting against the words he was hearing.
It's not perfect by any means, but it does introduce the MC and the setting while hopefully giving the reader insight into Jon's emotions while showing you what I meant.

I also noticed the second half switched into more telling than showing. You did a great job of balancing it in the beginning, and I'd have loved to see it through to the end. You did a great job of creating suspense and tension. I enjoyed your dialog, but would suggest you use contractions like I'll to make it sound more realistic. Overall, you have created a wonderful character, and I would read more of his exploits if you were to write them. :-)